The Only Rule For Ex's

[youngblazer]

Stay away from EXes. After you've nutted in a chick 3-5 times, she is officially old pussy. There is no reason to ever return to old pussy. Push it away*

*unless she is willing to come over, blow you while you watch TV, and leave immediately afterwards.

 

[MRDigger]

Never go back to an ex, if your thinking long term, that it will work out and you guys can fix things....but like my situation, I go see my baby mama ex, and daughter and make sure they are alright....and because she still gives me the best time in bed .......it's so hard to stay away haha

 

[trainwreck]

Timely thread

My rule on ex's is one and done. They usually drift off into the sunset, and that's that. Find myself not even attracted due to the thought of her being back in the wilderness.

Couple days ago, I got a text from one of my closest friends saying he had saw his recent ex for the first time with the breakup. Even though he was one of the biggest players I know he had gotten caught up in this young chicks web of bs and lies so he was still missing her. Apparently, she was in the passenger with her new guy. Not only did she step out on him, she also broke it off. They had been having problems for a minute now, and from the outside I could see it was only a matter of time. Normally, he talks a good game about being one and done but this one had really integrated herself in his life (met the family and kids) so he was taking it really hard. Since I could see he was "leaning" in the direction of reaching out to her, I had to throw a bucket of ice water over his head to remind him that he was doing himself a disservice by even considering making that move. He knew he was thinking with his heart and not his head. We chopped it up some more and eventually he had to agree although it stung in the present, he would just have to boss up and move forward.

Two themes kept coming up:

A) Going back to an ex whether she cheated or not, just tells her that you are accepting of the behavior that caused the break-up to begin with.

B) After being with another guy, she's really damaged goods in terms from an LTR vantage point. Call me selfish, but that's my true view. In the other words, the girl is dead to me at that point. Too much reprogramming would have to be done, too much investment.

Meanwhile, you could be starting with something fresh with a new one.

This could be me right now. Look at me a few months ago on the post above. Well, I made a huge mistake and ended up answering to one of her ping emails (sent 4 over the last 6 months) and meeting and banging my ex. Thought after 6 months of being apart and having a nice final breakup talk (we actually broke up over the phone, as she was with her parents at the time and we didn't see each other for 6 months, as I had always ignored her request for "closure"). Big mistake, I'm now knee deep back in the shit.

Now I'm in a totally fucked similar situation. We were living together for a year, straight after we started seeing each other (yep, huge mistake), then tried to be together but living apart for 6 months. I paid basically everything during the relationship. Trip to NYC, roadtrip around Europe, daily dinners at decent restaurants, rent in a good apartment in the center, fuel, groceries, she'd even use my protein powder for her shitty cooking blog. Due to her still being a terribly unhappy and ungrateful GF and constantly accusing me of cheating on her, I actually ended up cheating on her several times with several girls, and told her that during the coffee. She says she understands as she was a terrible GF and was suspecting it anyway. The thing is, whenever she'd be open to showing affection, she'd be the most feminine and most supportive person - a rollercoaster basically. She had been depressed for 6 months and finally went to a therapist, AFTER we broke up. Says she's over it now.

Despite seeing 2 super hot local highschool cheerleaders, I'm now constantly thinking on how to get this old chick back. The connection I have with these 2 other chicks is awesome, but nothing compared to what I had with my ex. She says she feels the same and is confused, yet doesn't really wanna talk openly about what happened inbetween breaking up and now, which would be a prerequisite for me to ever take her back. Says shit like "I had nothing MEANINGFUL so I don't think there's anything to talk about" or "the guy wanted the relationship, I did not, since he didn't make me feel like you did, blah blah" or "If you really think the sex I had would make a difference in you loving me or not, you should move on" - I mean, maybe I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here, since I banged around 20 girls during these 6 months, but for fucks sake, I'd argue that it's quite normal to want to know what happened during that little black window of time when she was out in the wild. At least I won't have to be second guessing myself when we're out in town (not that big of a city unfortunately). But here's the catch...

She says she doesn't want a relationship right now and would be fine with me banging other girls. However, I'm just afraid that this is just the reason since she's looking to keep me around, until she finds something better (actually quite hard, but sometimes I tend to "forget" my SMV - she confessed her friends told her she was "Crazy" to break up with me when they found out). But I feel like I actually wouldn't be fine with just banging this girl - too many feelings involved. I got too involved in her BS and me trying to "fix her" depression during the relationship, got me insanely invested in her. Being the hot chick that she is, she realizes I care for her and knows that she's the one who cares less.

Man, I'm screwed.

TLDR: Don't even bang an old ex, even if you think there's no feelings back there.

 

[Sonoma]

Never take back an ex.

The first one I broke up with lingered in a fwb situation... Until she found a new guy. It was I had been dumped, I don't recommend

The second I broke up with and banged a day later, got mad at myself and banged her roommate. We are not talking and it's great.

Never take back an ex, and almost as important, don't take a girl exclusively in the first place

 

[General Stalin]

Well I'm single right now so every girl I've ever gone back with obviously did not work out. At best you just prolong the inevitable, at worst you lose frame, put yourself through hell, and reward bad behavior.

Dealing with the prospect or even the notion of revisiting a relationship that has already run its course conjures up a whole gamut of issues. I agree with OP that going back to an ex is never in your best interest. It' may be good intentioned and it may offer you comfort in nostalgia and familiarity, but at the end of the day she is an ex for a reason.

If she left you then you can never trust her to be a dependable girl ever. If you left her then the issues (save for something extraordinary) will always be there.

 

[sandman972]

Ok so a girl that recently dumped me (was caught totally by surprise) after 3.5 months of dating (long distance. her flying to me, me flying to her etc.) is moving to my city in 2 months time.

As luck would have it, shes moving literally down the road from me (how ironic as she knows exactly where I live), im destined to run into her without a doubt. To be honest im not yet 100% over her and hopefully by the time she gets here I will be. Shortly after the breakup she deletes me off facebook (which I currently dont understand why) but whatever.

Considering how much she enjoyed the sex and what we did have in the beginning was awesome, theres a chance she will hit me up again once she moves out here. Besides one stupid message I sent off to her 2 weeks later basically saying: "its unfortunate the way things worked out, no reason for us to have any tension between us, all the best" I plan to radio silence here from here out.

My question for you guys is in the event she does contact me in weeks time, what is your opinion on course of action? Is it a bad idea to bang her again assuming Im emotionally over her?
Most people have told me to never talk to her again not matter what, which I agree with but theres still something inside me that wants to bang her one last time and kick her out of my apartment.

Would appreciate hearing your thoughts on the issue and personal experiences that can relate.

 

[Edgemell]

Reading this thread made me think of the moment 17 years ago, when my fiancee at the time decided to break up with me because she was trying to turn me into a kind of person i didn't want to be, and I was resisting completely...

I said 'OK, if you want to break up, I can live with it, but let's have one last dinner.'

She agreed, and we went out. During the dinner, I told her she has to think long and hard before leaving me, because, in all her life she will have only one single chance of dumping me. I will not get back together with her... I will work on myself, heal the wound as fast as I can, and move on.

She decided not to leave me right then... We are still married

And I still think the same way... If a relationship breaks up, that is for a good reason - no matter what that reason might be... Getting back together is just a recipe for more misery.

 

[IM3000]

I'm in this situation right now. My girl left me 4 months ago, a couple of letters and emails are exchanged and we meet.

Break-up was clean, no nasty shit. As was the relationship. She was 20 when I met her (I'm 33) and we were together for almost 4 years. It was my best relationship so far. Set rules/frame or whatever you want to call it, early and enjoyed most of my time with her. She is reasonably cute, no stunner, but my kind of girl. Anyway, in the course of our realtionship, I might have overdone it, pushing the envelope on a couple of issues and finally, she broke up with me. I have to admit that I did some very questionable deeds and fully understand why she wanted the break-up.

Now, we meet at a coffee shop. Everything is cool and almost like nothing ever happend. After some time we talk about our failed attempt at love. How we got here and why. In the end, she indicates that she wants a reunion. I ask her, if anything noteable had happend during our break-up and she tells me that she had been with some guy for 1.5 months. I tell her it's ok, but that I don't know if I want to put up this shit and have to think about it.

The reason I'm posting this is that I still think that she would be a solid pick in terms of family/ kids. She is also 9 years younger than myself and is a great girl in many ways. I really like her, but never was crazy in love with her. Actually, I don't really believe in unconditional love between men and women and all that shit. Maybe I'm getting old and jaded.
Anyway, I always thought that she is a very good pick from a rational/ practical point of view. Sex was good too, so I was mostly satisfied and only had to stray when the situation absolutely demanded it.
To sum it up, without being perfect, for me, our relationship was pretty good and should have continued. Hence, I'm tempted to give in this time against better judgement. Maybe the winter blues is getting to me.

Thoughts?

 

[jariel]

I'm in this situation right now. My girl left me 4 months ago, a couple of letters and emails are exchanged and we meet.

Break-up was clean, no nasty shit. As was the relationship. She was 20 when I met her (I'm 33) and we were together for almost 4 years. It was my best relationship so far. Set rules/frame or whatever you want to call it, early and enjoyed most of my time with her. She is reasonably cute, no stunner, but my kind of girl. Anyway, in the course of our realtionship, I might have overdone it, pushing the envelope on a couple of issues and finally, she broke up with me. I have to admit that I did some very questionable deeds and fully understand why she wanted the break-up.

Now, we meet at a coffee shop. Everything is cool and almost like nothing ever happend. After some time we talk about our failed attempt at love. How we got here and why. In the end, she indicates that she wants a reunion. I ask her, if anything noteable had happend during our break-up and she tells me that she had been with some guy for 1.5 months. I tell her it's ok, but that I don't know if I want to put up this shit and have to think about it.

The reason I'm posting this is that I still think that she would be a solid pick in terms of family/ kids. She is also 9 years younger than myself and is a great girl in many ways. I really like her, but never was crazy in love with her. Actually, I don't really believe in unconditional love between men and women and all that shit. Maybe I'm getting old and jaded.
Anyway, I always thought that she is a very good pick from a rational/ practical point of view. Sex was good too, so I was mostly satisfied and only had to stray when the situation absolutely demanded it.
To sum it up, without being perfect, for me, our relationship was pretty good and should have continued. Hence, I'm tempted to give in this time against better judgement. Maybe the winter blues is getting to me.

Thoughts?

The thread is called The Only Rule For Ex's, it's not called, The Only Rule For Ex's Unless She Tells You Some Bullshit and You Rationalize Away The Faults With More Bullshit Like "The Sex Was Good".

I've been with plenty of women who I can say that ultimately we shared good sex, that doesn't mean shit. The sex has to be good, good sex is a fuckin prerequisite.

Who wants to be with a chick who doesn't please them in bed?

This is like giving an employee props for showing up to work on time, they're supposed to show up on time.

I've said it before, you don't get props for the basics.

Besides, you still fucked other girls right?

So how good was her pussy anyway?

It wasn't that good.

Forget about what she has done in the years since you two have broken up, what have you done?

Your life hasn't improved, you personally, haven't evolved to the point where you can get a better girl in her mid-20s than your retread?

You have to look for fault and blame yourself for the past so you can rationalize going back to a chick who already left you once?

I wouldn't have taken a 20 year old seriously in terms of a relationship from jump street.

I do fuck with young chicks, they are great to have fun with, and they are horny as a woman will ever be, but you can't call yourself trying to do real life shit with them.

Again, peep the message of this thread, there are no stipulations, loopholes, or rationalizations.

 

[IM3000]

The thread is called The Only Rule For Ex's, it's not called, The Only Rule For Ex's Unless She Tells You Some Bullshit and You Rationalize Away The Faults With More Bullshit Like "The Sex Was Good".

I've been with plenty of women who I can say that ultimately we shared good sex, that doesn't mean shit. The sex has to be good, good sex is a fuckin prerequisite.

Who wants to be with a chick who doesn't please them in bed?

This is like giving an employee props for showing up to work on time, they're supposed to show up on time.

I've said it before, you don't get props for the basics.

Besides, you still fucked other girls right?

So how good was her pussy anyway?

It wasn't that good.

Forget about what she has done in the years since you two have broken up, what have you done?

Your life hasn't improved, you personally, haven't evolved to the point where you can get a better girl in her mid-20s than your retread?

You have to look for fault and blame yourself for the past so you can rationalize going back to a chick who already left you once?

I wouldn't have taken a 20 year old seriously in terms of a relationship from jump street.

I do fuck with young chicks, they are great to have fun with, and they are horny as a woman will ever be, but you can't call yourself trying to do real life shit with them.

Again, peep the message of this thread, there are no stipulations, loopholes, or rationalizations.

Yeah, I hear you. I've been around the block a couple of times and have no problem getting pussy. With this girl, though, it's not primarily about her pussy or the sex, but rather the complete package. For her age, she is very mature. E.g. her Mom died 2 years ago of cancer and she handled it extremely well. As she does the rest of her life. Dedicated student (Engineering), has her finances in check, no social-media shit, etc.

I had very little complaints while being with her and think that I "overgamed" her to a fair amount and caused the break-up in the first place.

My life is acutally going pretty well and I do have options. It's not like I'm fearful of dying alone crying to my pillow. The hunt just gets more and more annoying and maybe that's why I'm trying to rationalize getting back with her. Also, I'm in Northern Europe and all that migrant-related uncertainty and the winter blues might be clouding my judgement.

 

[jariel]

Yeah, I hear you. I've been around the block a couple of times and have no problem getting pussy. With this girl, though, it's not primarily about her pussy or the sex, but rather the complete package. For her age, she is very mature. E.g. her Mom died 2 years ago of cancer and she handled it extremely well. As she does the rest of her life. Dedicated student (Engineering), has her finances in check, no social-media shit, etc.

I had very little complaints while being with her and think that I "overgamed" her to a fair amount and caused the break-up in the first place.

My life is acutally going pretty well and I do have options. It's not like I'm fearful of dying alone crying to my pillow. The hunt just gets more and more annoying and maybe that's why I'm trying to rationalize getting back with her. Also, I'm in Northern Europe and all that migrant-related uncertainty and the winter blues might be clouding my judgement.

I implore you to re-read your posts as if you were an outsider to the situation.

You are trying to convince yourself that reuniting with her is the right thing to do.

You keep mentioning all of her positive characteristics while ignoring the reality that you are talking about a person who has already willingly walked out of your life once.

Maybe you compelled her to do so, but that isn't the point.

Is your plan this time to be Mr. Perfect to ensure that she won't do it again?

Having her finances in check, being mature, all that blah blah basic yawn shit, doesn't mean that you can trust her in a relationship.

Women often run back to old boyfriends after they've had failed relationships with other men, that's just fact.

She wasn't thinking about you when she was falling for someone else, and anything she says about what she's been doing since you two have been apart shouldn't be believed because it can't possibly be verified.

Women aren't sitting around in their rooms, twiddling their thumbs, thinking about what was for too long.

I hear you in your claims that you have options, but people who truly have options don't have to run back to old news.

 

[kaotic]

Listen to Jariel BoiBoi, he sees it from the outside without bias. He's absolutely right.

You have no idea how many times I'd rept Jariel for the amount of advice and truth he's given.

 

[General Stalin]

This was a good bump, considering I actually had tried to re-date a girl since posting this:

Well I'm single right now so every girl I've ever gone back with obviously did not work out. At best you just prolong the inevitable, at worst you lose frame, put yourself through hell, and reward bad behavior.

Dealing with the prospect or even the notion of revisiting a relationship that has already run its course conjures up a whole gamut of issues. I agree with OP that going back to an ex is never in your best interest. It' may be good intentioned and it may offer you comfort in nostalgia and familiarity, but at the end of the day she is an ex for a reason.

If she left you then you can never trust her to be a dependable girl ever. If you left her then the issues (save for something extraordinary) will always be there.

It was a lesson in reaffirmation. Sometimes you need those, apparently. Now I have solidified that rule for myself.

Never go back to a girl.

 

[OneEyedMonk]

"It is better to have loved and lost interest than never to have loved at all."

Any man should lose interest when you rationally see that it is not working, to protect his most valuable asset, namely time.

The main reason for men trying to resurrect a failed relationship is to avoid the proof that you cannot trust yourself anymore.

You had the choice of billions of women out there, you chose one, and failed. How can you trust yourself in the future? Whether that'd be romance or any other decisions, you demonstrated to yourself that you cannot trust yourself as a decision maker. You might as well just shoot yourself.

The sole possible remedy for such most unfortunate situation of self-doubt is to go back to your ex, and make it work.

Spin, male hamster, spin !!

Jariel, I bow for the repeat invaluable advice.

 

[Palo_alto]

I am friends with 2 of my Ex´s (both + 1 year relationship).

I contact them now and then to get some finantial advice from one (She works in a bank as a finance manager) The other one is a world tyraveller and I always get good advice on next destinations for myself.

Sometimes is not too bad to loose all contact.

 

[IM3000]

Damn damn damn, this shit is hard. In the end though, I think that you, Jariel, are right.

I've spend the past days trying to think about getting back together with her and what it actually would be like. I couldn't picture it. Hanging out with her and her friends, lying next to her, visiting her Dad, all that shit. How am I supposed to feel like the man in the house if she had some other dick in the meantime? How am I supposed to ever feel at ease when she had already turned her back on me once? What prevents her from doing the same next time we have some problem?

I realized that in my attempts to rationalize my ass back into that relationship, I was really imagining going back to what we had and continue where we left. The problem, though, is that this past is gone, never to return. We had our shot, it looked pretty promising, but eventually, we blew it for all kind of reasons. It makes me sad, because I'm still convinced that she'll make a great wife/ mother, just not for me anymore. Now, I have to reflect over why it all came to this and what I can do to better next time.

In another thread, somebody wrote something which stuck with me: "Marriage and kids are hard, so you want the chips to be stacked in your favor." And getting back together with someone who walked out of your life and had some strange cook is basically the exact opposit.

Still, it's a tough decicion to make. We have been together for almost 4 years. We did all kind of shit together and as I wrote earlier, it was the best realtionship I ever had. I know that I will miss a lot about her. It's all in the details. How she looked in a certain light, her signature dish she cooked for me, the way her room smelled...damn!

Although our separation was already 4-5 months ago, I just recently started to feel an onset of pain/sorrow/regret. And there I was, thinking I had become immune to that shit.

Anyways, thanks for the advice everyone! Especially you, Jariel!

 

[jariel]

These are the issues that men have when they know they should leave women, but they struggle to justify doing so:

1. Nostalgia
Reflecting on the good times, doesn't change the bad times. Every relationship that goes on for an extended period of time will have had good times, that is one reason it has managed to last, because at some point things were good.

The good times don't give you an accurate depiction of the strength of the relationship, the bad times do. The bad times tell you that it's time to get the fuck on, because they have more of an effect than any of the good did.

2. She's A Good Person
All the women we're dealing with aren't bad people. But it's not about them being "good people", we care about them being the right people.

You want a woman who is dedicated to your relationship and respects her role in it. You don't want a woman who wants to compete with you for power and makes a concerted effort to force her will on the relationship.

Ultimately, you might leave her, and at some point, some other guy marries her and has kids with her, good for her, if that man found her to be right for him, good for him, but that doesn't matter to you because she was wrong for you.

You can't think about what you purportedly lost, you have to look at breaking away from her is something that you gain, because it comes with a number of benefits that are going to make you and the life you're leading better.

3. Finances
When people are living together and sharing certain things together, some people don't have the resources to just dip.

When that takes place, you have to forget about how you're "comfortable" in your living situation.

If you have to move out immediately, then get what you can get, it may not be as nice as where you are, but it's automatically better because she's not there.

If you have some time to buy, then go hard on saving some money. Don't spend ANY money on her or "the house". Put together 2-3 months of move-out money, then get the fuck out.

4. Good Sex
Most women out there are not great in bed, but there are still a number of them who are. If you've had enough sexual encounters, then chances are you've had enough "good pussy".

Good sex is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone.

Good sex is the prerequisite for casual relationships that are based on sexual chemistry, but those are inherently short-lived.

However, real relationships are much more complex. Some people are fine when they're laying down and fucking, but their issues resurface as soon as they have to stand up and put their clothes back on.

Don't allow yourself to be some pussy-whipped ass dude who is scared of going back out in the world, putting in work so that you can shine and become a better man who can get a better bitch who gives you better sex because she actually wants to be with you, and would do anything to keep you in her life.

These ex-bitches are literally doing things to push you away, so move on to someone who wants to bring you in and not let you go.

 

[IM3000]

I just finished my good-bye letter. I'll bring it to the post tomorrow. Thank you for your advice and your attention.

 

[seabridge]

BoiBoi, i recently broke up with my girlfriend for 3 years, and yes, it is very difficult. It's only natural when, like you, spent 4 years of your life with her.

Right now you only remember all the good stuff. A month after i broke up, i did the same thing. I remember our vacations, our great sex, when we were having good times etc. But i didn't remember that she cried several times on our last vacation, that she denied me sex in the end of the relationship, when we were fighting and i couldn't control my emotions and that i cheated on her 4 times, because deep down, i wasn't satisfied. The week before i broke up with her, i felt depressed, something i rarely do. I broke up, and happiness came back in my life, had a little valley after a month, but been happy ever since.

My advice to you: Fuck some new girls. Maybe they aren't as hot or as nice as your ex, but the confidence will help you get past it. It did for me.

 

[jariel]

I'm working on a new RTS, so I'm going to just say this:

For all of you guys who keep going to back your ex, want to go back to your ex, or stay with a girl who should become your ex, all they are going to do is remind you why you left or why you should leave.

It doesn't get any better.

Having a good day here, a good week there, isn't better, it's just what it is for that moment. Inevitably, that moment that reminds you why you shouldn't be there will always come back.

When you have one foot out the door, women don't change to keep you around, they just kiss enough of your ass to keep you from moving the other foot.