The Only Rule For Ex's

[IM3000]

It's been over half a year since I've last posted here and thought I might give you an update on my situation. Might serve some of guys as a reminder.

To recap:

Gf of ~4 years had dumped me. I was all sad, met her a couple of months later, where she hinted at a possible restart. She told me that she had banged some other dude in the meantime. I still considered it, but evetually said fuck it (with help/ insight of you guys). Had a rough month or two.

7 months later:

I hardly think of that girl at all. Got a great job at a German company in Latin America and a hot 22-year-old getting on a plane to visit me in a couple of weeks (on her dime). Life is good.

So, why am I telling you this?

Well, because I was almost about to re-enter a relationship with my former gf, accepting the fact that she had banged some other dude and by doing so, putting myself voluntarily in a position of weakness. I almost went with that option, despite the fact there are girls out there, who would pay 700+ U$ for a long distance flight just to come visit me.

To quote the great Jariel:

Don't allow yourself to be some pussy-whipped ass dude who is scared of going back out in the world, putting in work so that you can shine and become a better man who can get a better bitch who gives you better sex because she actually wants to be with you, and would do anything to keep you in her life.

Don't sell yourselves short gentlemen!

 

[[email protected]]

Saw this thread linked in another thread so I thought I would bump it.

So much great info in here. Hits close to home for a lot of us I imagine.

I have an ex I think about from time to time. We were together almost a year from 2008-2009. Probably the best body of any girl I have ever been with. The sex was great, her tits were perfect, ass...perfect, long legs, pretty face, minimal make up, gave great blowjobs, let me fuck her ass. One of my best memories of her is coming over to her place on Valentines Day 2009 and she is wearing a red lacey lingerie get up, with red heels. I was like a kid in a candy store getting his first taste of sugar. I fucked the shit out of her many times that night. These are the memories that come to mind when I think about her at first...

And then I remember that she would get cold sores on her mouth. She was embarrassed by them and they kind of grossed me out and I was afraid of catching them from her so we wouldn't kiss or have any physical contact while she had them. She was an accountant, so managing money was her job. Which was cool until she started to try and manage MY money. Telling me what I could and could not spend it on. How I should save more, etc., etc. Our fights would sometimes escalate into becoming physical (her moreso than me). I put up with all this bad stuff because of all the good stuff I was getting. In the end, all the bad stuff was just too much for the good stuff to overcome so I dumped her.

Like Jariel said, there is a reason why she is no longer in your life. Whether you dumped her or vice versa it doesn't really matter. Living in the past prevents you from living in the present and forging a better future. You are where you are today because of the decisions you made in the past. Don't live life with regret. You made no 'wrongs', just an experience which you learned from and made you a better man today.

 

[Geomann180]

Such a great thread. Could always use a bump.

G

 

[redbeard]

If a chick left you or you left her, there was a reason for it.

Regardless of which side of the table you're on, there is probably some of level of blame that can be shared as to how you got there.

With that being said, all that matters is that you got there.

And the only rule is, you can't go back.

When women leave you, sometimes they come back, after they've dealt with some other dicks, and found that the grass wasn't greener. They become nostalgic about your old relationship, they'll say things like "you were the only one who truly knew me", "I didn't realize what I had until it was gone", or "I know it will take some time, but I think we should give it another chance".

No bitch, you're out of time.

If the separation was on you, there was a reason you wanted to leave her behind, don't forget that, don't allow good memories to whitewash the reality.

She wasn't that bitch.

Move on, you can find her, she is out there.

bump

 

[1RationalDoc]

One thing worthy of note is, that if the relationship broke off on a bad term, it's always best not to jump back on that ship. The past problems will always be the big elephant in the room and trying to solve it is really not worth it. One should spend that time and energy on finding other chicks.

 

[NoMoreTO]

I think you/they can sometimes go back once, sometimes there are circumstances:
- distance
- specific issue un resolved

But more than once you are in a broken relationship and likely using breakups as a fighting/power tactic, or you have one great part (great sex, day to day compatibility) and are missing something

 

[JackinMelbourne]

Totally depends on the woman but who cares if you're going back for another bang a year later. If you can't control your emotions then work on that and go eternal ghost, otherwise a bang is a bang (sometimes a great bang) and you can always "break up" again... if it's even official. And it should never be official after the first fail. Just forever "friends" and that's it.

Win/win is the most fun.

 

[Pytonga]

Great post.
I can only add "0 contact rule" - block ex on Facebook, Whatsup, mobile...

Really helps.

 

[Batman_]

I have to admit - I think what I really miss about my ex is the sex. Haven't topped it to this day.

 

[Stirfry]

There was a thread here a while ago that I found very helpful while going through a bad breakup, stressing the importance of getting rid of old pictures, texts, emails, etc.

I have this tendency to romanticize the past and to linger over old photos and messages, but there’s a risk that comes along with that of getting nostalgic and attempting contact again. At the very least I know that I would probably just make myself miserable looking at happy pictures and reminiscing about “old times.”

So after this one messy breakup I deleted just about everything. With no temptations to look at old photos and love letters I think my recovery went quite nicely. That, and going on a few dates right after- these were never going to be long term relationships, but it was a nice ego boost and a good way to get my mind off of the ex and onto new things.

 

[Mrredsquare]

This thread is gold and just what i needed to hear.

 

[Cman]

I wonder if this thread should be pinned. It's honestly super helpful.

 

[Zoso]

I just re started comunication with my ex gf from 6 years ago.
I think just banging is all ok as long as someone doesn't catch feelings again (thus ignoring the main reason why he ended the relationship).

While you dont let her know she is not ltr status anymore, you dont lose the frame.

 

[questor70]

In my experience, banging an ex doesn't work because even with an FWB situation I expect monogamy. That turns it into a dead-end LTR with an indeterminate endpoint. The glass seems half-full at first but over time you'll miss that feeling of being in a relationship with no predefined limits. A few carefully spaced out drought-busting booty calls is all that's safe to do, IMHO.

 

[Freebird Flying]

This thread has also been helpful for me as I have been spinning my wheels the past week like crazy.

I had a girlfriend ask for a break after we had an intense fight. During our arguing, she tells me she's not happy, can't be her self around me, and also after one fight before a year earlier, she said maybe I don't deserve her or maybe she should find someone better than me. Those words really made me lack trust in the relationship, but I wasn't skillful enough to decide to get out but instead I took it to heart and decided that I should improve myself and work on the relationship harder. The reason why is because she had a right to be upset at me. I think she caught me in a lie and probably has some suspicions I was being a bit of player (was true), although she didn't confront me on it directly.

She took a week to go visit family and said she can't talk to me for a while cause she has school also. She's not returning my calls for like a week. But to be fair, I had also not always respond every day to her when I'm working I tell her I need to stay off the grid for a few days sometimes.


I guess I was ok with her taking a break for a week, but her language was really degrading. How can you tell someone maybe you should find someone better, or maybe you deserve someone better?

Then we are back together a month later. And then a couple months, later we have another fight and this one was worse. She's doing things like not returning I love u. Ignoring me when I speak. Going to sleep when we having a discussion without resolving it. And one night, I started drinking and woke her up and told her to get the fuck out of my apartment. I felt absolutely awful, and she was cool about it enough to try and make me feel better, because she said it scared her. I was actually some anxiety meds and mixed with alcohol and kind of blacked out. I remember bits and pieces of it but not everything. She really was cool with me after that. I can't ever imagine how bad I would feel if she hadn't been understanding with me after that. But, I didn't see her only one time past 4 months since then. But when I saw her, it was a very positive meet. That's great for both of us to be able to move on. She even gave me an reason I can use for the break up that makes me sound high value that I can DHV myself with, and it works for her also. And we are on good terms.

Our 4 year anniversary is here that's why I'm so in my head about this. So, what I did yesterday read this thread and some other past 2 days and another one. Then today, I started voice journaling the situation for like 10 minutes, and now I feel crystal clear. Time is up. I want to do it in my head right, but my heart is like no mother fucker, you can't do this. This girl is pure gold. But I have no choice at this point, I lost my frame and so many other issues that I was able to identify while voice journaling, and then replaying the audio, reading some threads such as this one, and thinking about it a lot.

I had another relationship where the girl says we would be lifelong friends. But as soon as she got a new boyfriend, she stopped answering my phone calls.

I've been going out a fair bit. I'm not meeting any girls that seem to measure up to my Ex yet. The relationship has not officially been ended yet. But I'm gonna have to keep looking and push harder and burn the boats because there's no going back now.

But, what I didn't see in the thread was success stories. Surely someone has had a success story to share where they got back with their girlfriend and it worked out. But perhaps not haha. I think the success stories are about the break ups!

Cheers!

 

[Nascimento]

Bump, as there's been a lot of break up talk popping up in the relationship forum lately.

 

[Thomas Jackson]

Funny to read - had my crazy college ex text me recently. Wanting to "visit" me. Said no and wished her the best.

 

[lonewolf1]

Hey guys, just looking for your point of view.

We dated for almost 5 years, lets call it Semi-LTR. Never lived together, a sometimes toxic relationship. She was pretty dependent and crazy for me. Love was very strong. Wanted to see me daily, lots of contact. We saw each other 3-4 times week.

She found a new job last 6 months, she changed a bit but was still crazy for me. Sex always rampant.
It sickered through that she had many guys hitting on her, she found some guys "cute" etc. She made lots of new friends.

Last few weeks before the "break" I neglected her quite a bit, probably also cause I felt she became a bit distant but I could not really tell. So I guess automatically applied dread cause I felt something is off and was looking for replacements by cheating, looking back in hindsight.

I declined seeing her last days before we had our last call. Still was begging to me see me every day, even the day of the break.

Last call: She asked in a cold manner for "time for herself, like you did" but she didnt say how long. I replied, "i respect that, we should close the book here then, and said thank you for the good times and bye"

She calls 1 minute later and asks "will you never really see me again? I will always love you, always. What belongs together will stay together". So I guess the usual.

Went no contact right away, I was suprised she did not reach out. After 2 weeks, some regrets kicked in for me, I send her an mail, apologizing taking her for granted, thanking her for the good memories and wishing her well.
No pleading, begging at all. I closed it for me there and then. She never replied.

One month after breakup, i get daily calls from her best girlfriend. I mean daily for a week straight, i never picked up and just asked by message what it was. She just wanted to quickly talk to me.
I did not wanna talk at all. So i changed my number a week or so later and moved on.

Suddenly I get an email, around 5 weeks post breakup.
The best girlfriend says, she could not reach me so she does now by email. My Ex cant talk to me cause it will put her off track so the gf has to do it. She says my Ex appreciated my apology email a lot and thanks me for it. Now to the point: My ex needs all her stuff back that is at my place. She needs it urgently. And the gf is asking if i could mail it to her and clear all things up with her. My ex would very much appreciate it.

The funny thing is, the stuff is alomst completely useless. Nothing of value. Some old shirts she never wore for years, shampoo, used cosmetics, a brush, house shoes.

Also my ex is asking how I am doing and if everything is alright. I replied with only: "I will have it mailed". Nothing else.
I mailed it a week afterwards to her house. That has been a few days since.

So thats where I am at now.
Was that a reach out by her to test the waters? Power play? She really wanted the stuff back to close it for her? Dont really get the point here.
The stuff was totally useless.

I told this story to a girl, and she said, your ex could not replace you and wants you back, she realized the mistake. 100%. Dont send the stuff, she will be destroyed.

Would love to hear your opinion.

Feeling pretty regretful lately, I neglected her, dreaded her last few weeks, months. Cheated on her. Now it looks like she wants back - and I refuse her by sending the stuff. Does it look like that?
Is it even an option to take an ex back like that if you really were the source of the problems and fucked up?

 

[kazimierzdabrowski]

lonewolf1, where do you see this relationship going? I've just gotten out of something very similar and your story sounds a lot like mine. She was dependent and clingy wirh you for 5 whole years? Sometimes toxic? Did she have a counter-dependent mindset (I hate you, don't leave me. I love you, go away.)? It sounds like you were in an ingenue-type's rotation. It's hard to look at a situation with a woman like that and say one way or the other if she left because she wanted an actual LTR and the dread game (sounds more like toxic passivity on your end, especially if she was bringing up potential monkey branches in front of you) pushed her over the edge, or if she wanted to go back on the carousel, because often enough they don't know themselves. What do you want here, lonewolf1? Answer that question before you decide to break no contact.

 

[lonewolf1]

lonewolf1, where do you see this relationship going? I've just gotten out of something very similar and your story sounds a lot like mine. She was dependent and clingy wirh you for 5 whole years? Sometimes toxic? Did she have a counter-dependent mindset (I hate you, don't leave me. I love you, go away.)? It sounds like you were in an ingenue-type's rotation. It's hard to look at a situation with a woman like that and say one way or the other if she left because she wanted an actual LTR and the dread game (sounds more like toxic passivity on your end, especially if she was bringing up potential monkey branches in front of you) pushed her over the edge, or if she wanted to go back on the carousel, because often enough they don't know themselves. What do you want here, lonewolf1? Answer that question before you decide to break no contact.

Exactly everything you said. "hate you but love you", Looking back she may have Borderline, she cut herself and threatened to kill herself if I leave. Crazy stuff, looking back I missed all of this and thought she just tried to keep me hooked. Regretting it, that I never really try to help her with that.

She definitely had a lot of orbiters, and new friends who apparently did not like me by what I heard.

In a way, I had a genuine connection with this girl, she did absolutely everything for me and was extremely submissive and obedient. And I have very high expectations. The breakup was kinda out of the blue, but looking back I might have overdreaded her a good bit last few months and weeks.

Tbh, that's why I am in this thread. Trying to find justification on taking her back I guess. I am doing a lot better today and plating some chicks but still hung up over the ex.

How did your story end up? She ever tried to initiate contact?