Top ten red flags

magaman

Robin
I actually saw her this evening as she had unexpected free time, and I asked her. I think she answered honestly. She said she has had 5 serious relationships before (she's 22-23) and no "not serious" things. I told her that it seems a bit much, and that I needed to think about it.
To be frank, this is kind of a bummer. 5 partners by 22 is quite a lot IMO, but given the state of women I'm not sure if it is reasonable to reject her on that basis alone.
No "not serious" things that she admits to.. and yeah, 5 serious relationships before 22 does seem a little sus. I don't blame you for wanting to think about it. If you're looking for marriage and kids, then I'd definitely pass if I were you.
 

Slim Whitman

Sparrow
5 partners by 22 is quite a lot IMO
An average of one per year from age 17 on implies a definite lack of commitment and lack of wise mate selection. I would by highly skeptical of her claim that there were no impulsive flings. A woman that will date a different guy each year will almost certainly fill in the gaps with a fling or three. If you go forward I would be on a high state of alert, watching for other red flags.
 

Sinabelus

Sparrow
No "not serious" things that she admits to.. and yeah, 5 serious relationships before 22 does seem a little sus. I don't blame you for wanting to think about it. If you're looking for marriage and kids, then I'd definitely pass if I were you.
An average of one per year from age 17 on implies a definite lack of commitment and lack of wise mate selection. I would by highly skeptical of her claim that there were no impulsive flings. A woman that will date a different guy each year will almost certainly fill in the gaps with a fling or three. If you go forward I would be on a high state of alert, watching for other red flags.
Those were exactly my thoughts, you both make very good points. I need to think it over a bit, thing is women who are otherwise decent are a rarity these days. It really saddens me that hopeful as I was it may yet be another disappointment. Now with the vaxx coming and the possible consequences… are we supposed to all go MGTOW?
 

Slim Whitman

Sparrow
Those were exactly my thoughts, you both make very good points. I need to think it over a bit, thing is women who are otherwise decent are a rarity these days. It really saddens me that hopeful as I was it may yet be another disappointment. Now with the vaxx coming and the possible consequences… are we supposed to all go MGTOW?
You sound wise enough to take a chance and not get all emotionally invested too early. If you are the kind of guy who can stay cool for a few months, may as well go for it and see what happens. If you are the guy who starts telling everyone he thinks he's in love, after 2 dates, then you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak.
 
Question about a specific red flag...? I was just broken up with by a girl that had unresolved trauma from being raped when she was younger. She had a hard time talking about emotions and how she was feeling when talking about intimacy and when I set boundaries (albeit after I made mistakes and went to far physically in the past). She said she didn’t want to go to therapy to resolve her trauma because it was “scary.” She said that if we got married she would go to therapy with me, but having asked her to go to therapy with me once (6 months of dating or so LDR) she said she wasn’t ready to do therapy at that time to work through things. She broke up with me recently and I’m trying to make sense of things because I’m still infatuated with her... But, all this to say, is a woman who is unwilling to work through a trauma in therapy, such as this, a “red flag?”
 
Red flags in your story:
1. Was raped
2. Hard time talking about emotions
3. Doesn’t want to go to therapy
4. Uses marriage as a demand to start improving herself
5. Breaks up with you

You are suffering from some juicy breakup pain and might have oneitis. She was not the one. You got away easily. See what you can learn and do better next time! Here is a good read:
 
Red flags in your story:
1. Was raped
2. Hard time talking about emotions
3. Doesn’t want to go to therapy
4. Uses marriage as a demand to start improving herself
5. Breaks up with you

You are suffering from some juicy breakup pain and might have oneitis. She was not the one. You got away easily. See what you can learn and do better next time! Here is a good read:
This is a great book. I need to re-listen/re-read it. Thanks for reminding me about it. I think it is oneitis stemming from limerence and my own problems I still need to work through. Thanks for pointing those out. They are hard to see with the rose-coloured glasses on and not having much experience (luckily) with going through relationships with people who have experienced trauma. It was weird because she was really driven and seemed to be one for self-improvement (in the gym, worked hard at her job, etc.), but yeah... without the work on her trauma without me I think it was a blessing I got away even though it's still painful and hard to accept that at the moment.
 

Zanardi

Woodpecker
To be frank, this is kind of a bummer. 5 partners by 22 is quite a lot IMO, but given the state of women I'm not sure if it is reasonable to reject her on that basis alone.

I'll go against the flow here and agree with you. I am not sure either. This is because to me it doesn't tell the whole story. While the below quote might be true...

An average of one per year from age 17 on implies a definite lack of commitment and lack of wise mate selection. I would by highly skeptical of her claim that there were no impulsive flings. A woman that will date a different guy each year will almost certainly fill in the gaps with a fling or three. If you go forward I would be on a high state of alert, watching for other red flags.

... many other things can happen. What if 2 or the 5 guys she had relationships with became unattractive to her and she broke up with them?

I don't think the girl lied, because she gave you a "high" number. If she were to say that she had only one relationship in 5 years then what?
 

Zagor

Woodpecker
5 is too much for that age. I really don't know what to say to you guys from the anglosphere, you have such poor selection of quality women there. Basically if you insist on finding a women from the anglosphere you can either pray for a stroke of pure lack or make a compromise and find a women that has some red flags but can still be set on the right path with proper guidance.
Luckily in Croatia hook up culture is still not a thing so you can still find young girls that had one, two or no partners.
 

Sinabelus

Sparrow
An average of one per year from age 17 on implies a definite lack of commitment and lack of wise mate selection. I would by highly skeptical of her claim that there were no impulsive flings. A woman that will date a different guy each year will almost certainly fill in the gaps with a fling or three. If you go forward I would be on a high state of alert, watching for other red flags.
Yes, the worst that can happen is that I will mourn lost time (and rant about western women but I don't need her for that lol) so I guess I'll get to know her better.

I'll go against the flow here and agree with you. I am not sure either. This is because to me it doesn't tell the whole story. While the below quote might be true...



... many other things can happen. What if 2 or the 5 guys she had relationships with became unattractive to her and she broke up with them?

I don't think the girl lied, because she gave you a "high" number. If she were to say that she had only one relationship in 5 years then what?
What do you mean by "doesn't tell the whole story"? She told me that for every single one of them she had planned things to be very long term but it turned out to be impossible, which isn't really an excuse.
I guess I would be more at ease if the told me she had had one, since I have no choice but to take her up on her word ; for all I know she could have had flings as well. I usually spot lies quickly though and she seems to be an honest girl, so I think it's the truth. My main concern is what reflects about her 1) commitment or lack thereof 2) emotional state after five breakups.
Women usually have good reason for leaving the man, after all the average western man is an unattractive wimp. In essence she told me what you're telling me, that those 5 guys became unattractive, specifically one she mentioned that was very clingy and needy (e.g. a wimp) and needed constant affection and the like. But it still reflects either her poor choice of mates or her lack of commitment. What I'm wondering is more whether this can be worked around and if I should try, or whether it cannot and/or I shouldn't try to. After all I'm still young as well (22), but with the state of the west and now the vaxx which will soon prove to be an absolutely major hassle for dating, I am afraid that having too high standards will end up with me not passing my genes.

5 is too much for that age. I really don't know what to say to you guys from the anglosphere, you have such poor selection of quality women there. Basically if you insist on finding a women from the anglosphere you can either pray for a stroke of pure lack or make a compromise and find a women that has some red flags but can still be set on the right path with proper guidance.
Luckily in Croatia hook up culture is still not a thing so you can still find young girls that had one, two or no partners.
I'm not in the anglosphere, I am from France but rest assured the quality is exceedingly poor here as well. The thing is I cannot compromise on certain things. I want a caucasian woman, and not a Latina or an asian whatever their qualities may be. Slavic women are ok I guess, and I plan on going to Russia in the probable future if I don't get a wife yet, but I'm afraid girls there are either gold-diggers or manipulative (and good at it). Also at the same time, I have family there, and a bond to my home country, so if I could find a decent girl here that would be the best of both worlds.
 

Zanardi

Woodpecker
What do you mean by "doesn't tell the whole story"?
Your quote below says exactly what I mean:
In essence she told me what you're telling me, that those 5 guys became unattractive, specifically one she mentioned that was very clingy and needy (e.g. a wimp) and needed constant affection and the like.
No wonder. Vous etes jeunes. Ce type of comportement se passe a cet age.
But it still reflects either her poor choice of mates or her lack of commitment.
Does it? How could she know that her ex-boyfriends will become wimps?

I guess I would be more at ease if the told me she had had one, since I have no choice but to take her up on her word ;
I guess this is your real problem.
 

Sinabelus

Sparrow
Your quote below says exactly what I mean:

No wonder. Vous etes jeunes. Ce type of comportement se passe a cet age.

Does it? How could she know that her ex-boyfriends will become wimps?


I guess this is your real problem.
I don't think a man comes from someone reliable to being an insufferable wimp. There was probably obvious signs even in the early courtship phase. I get where you're coming from, but I don't get your point. I don't want a woman that is damaged. You're telling me that having had one boyfriend a year since 17 is not a problem, because these men became, all of a sudden and without notice, unattractive. What if it was 10? 20? And all those she ended up finding them unattractive. Notch count is not a social construct, and tells a lot about the person, and also has an impact on especially women and their emotional state.
You seem to be telling me that her notch count is not a problem, but I personally think it is. What I'm wondering is whether this can be managed or not.
 

Jay

Sparrow
At 22 you have enough time to invest to gain more information and come to a better decision later.
But 5 serious failures definitely suggest some sus judgement.
 

Zanardi

Woodpecker
I went on a date Monday in Bucharest with a 37 year old woman. No previous marriages, nor children. I wonder if those are red flags or not:

  1. She loves animals, especially dogs. That is not a problem itself. However, it is almost a deal breaker for her if the significant one has the opposite opinion. If he doesn't care that much, then it is okay for her. She lives in an apartment and her idea is that the future family and the dog will live together. I find suspicious that she puts such high priority on this;
  2. 2-3 jealous exes. She said that she dumped them soon after they became jealous. I had asked her what did she do to them that they become so jealous and controlling. She told me something like: more likely what I didn't do. I think that this is not happenstance, but it has something to do with her.
  3. Which brings me to the final possible red flag: I got the feeling, from what she was talking, that she likes travelling and going out so much, that a future family may be a hinderance in her lifestyle. Perhaps her more independent personality drew jealousy in the guys mentioned above. I am not 100% sure that my feeling about this is correct, because I didn't get to spend much time with her (about 3 hours).
 
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