Was anyone else sexually molested when they were a child?


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I feel sick and I've been burning with hatred for so long. I've suppresed it for so long but I just broke down. I hate him so much for what he did to me. I think I've finally lost it and I'm going insane because suddenly the floodgates have opened and I can't stop thinking about something I I haven't thought about for a long time. I hate him so much. There's nothing I can do to heal and I'll be a broken man for the rest of my life after what he did to me. I hate him so much. I just don't know what to do. Alcohol isn't working any more. What can I do to be normal?


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Yes, I've always had conscious memories of being sexually-abused by a much older neighbor when I was around two years old, and Jesus is starting to show me that something worse happened a few years later, that I have no conscious memory of.

Be strong and be calm.

There's nothing I can do to heal and I'll be a broken man for the rest of my life after what he did to me.

This is the Devil speaking. He wants you to believe that your current state is your fixed identity: That you will always be broken, and you cannot be healed in future. As always, the Devil is lying. Jesus is more than capable of healing you, and has put someone in front of you who understands the problem.

For now: I want you to fight against this feeling of hatred and, and, as, backwards as this sounds, I want you to concentrate on forgiving your abuser, for fostering this hatred for your abuser is how the demons will keep this wound raw and open for you, and they'll use it to tempt you into self-destructive behaviour.

Find a quiet place. If you have a crucifix or rosary, or a picture of Jesus, put it in front of you. Rather than try to block out the pain - the most damaging thing you can do here is repress it - allow yourself to feel it, and invite Jesus into it.

Then, simply repeat, 'Lord Jesus, I forgive [abuser's name] in your name, and I ask you to bring down your blessings upon Him.'

Keep at it until the anger subsides. You are fighting to close that wound from demonic interference.

It's hard to understand when the pain is still so raw, but Jesus will eventually show you your abuser through his eyes, and that he was a victim too.

When you're in a calmer headspace, contact me privately with your contact details. I'll see if I can put you in touch with a Priest with a specialization in this field, but am never sure how quickly he can reply. I do have various readings that might be of use, but I'll need to know more specific details, including the kind of behaviour driven by the wound.

You are not your damage. Your state is not fixed.
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You have to find a way to deal with underlying trauma. Ignore those who say just move on or get over it, they are just damning you to sufffer the rest of your life.

Abused people often try and find ways to re-enact the experience in ways that are not harmful and allow you to regain a sense of control, and let positive experience overlay the negative ones. Simply talking is not enough - only visceral physical experience can negate physical trauma.

The main point is to seek help from a trauma counselor who actually understands trauma and the need to recover from it not deny it's existence or cover it up.

Rob Banks

The main point is to seek help from a Christian counselor who actually understands trauma and the need to recover from it not deny it's existence or cover it up.
Fixed it for you.

OP, I'm thankful I've never been through any experiences as bad as the ones you describe, but I've had experiences dealing with secular "mental health professionals" to try and overcome serious life and spiritual problems, and all these people did was drug me, give me secular modernist advice that pushed me away from God, and profit.


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For context, I work for a Dominican Priest who specialises in Thomistic Psychology (St Thomas Aquinas).

I spent January and February proofreading his two major works on Pastoral Treatment for the Sexually Abused, as they're being prepared for publishing. Moral Theologians from the Vatican have read the works, recognise their importance, and they will be intended for formation in Seminaries. You can see they're not lightweight books.

The Thomistic method of treatment works: I've seen the results first hand on myself, my sister and another woman. I've also seen the results of not listening to his advice - it can first sound very confronting initially - from someone who refused to submit to a Priest due to fear of the whole 'the Catholic Church is satanically-corrupted' hysteria.

I only started treatment last October. If my abuser ever comes to mind, I just have sympathy for him.

Under Thomistic Psychology, the lasting effect that most commonly-arises from sexual abuse is damage to our Cogitative Power - your 'case by case' sense of reason. In my case, I could not judge myself as a masculine man, no matter how much external reinforcement I received, and I could never clearly-recognise that I was in dangerous situations. So, someone with this problem might, as in my case, compulsively-seek out masculine affirmation via sexual promiscuity. Others might turn to drugs and drink, never quite seeing they're damaging themselves.

So, take heart. I'm telling you I know, I understand, and it can be dealt with in a way that doesn't involve medication, repression or self-destruction.


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I'm sorry to hear this happened to you.

I only know what it is like to suffer from lesser things like theft and scams. The feelings these left within me were bad enough. The feeling that someone has done you wrong and you can do nothing, except maybe revenge and hate.

What I have come to realise is that as long as you remain angry at someone they control you. They give you their nature, which is hate - hate for them and hate for yourself. Spiritually, their aim is for you to hate yourself, more than they hate themselves. This is an extremely common mechanism people use. Wicked people want others to be below themselves in a given stake. By giving you their hate, they have at least one person who is below them.

Many years ago I spent two years of my life based on someone else's lies. I won't go into details, but I sacrificed pretty much everything else in my life due to his lies. I had a lot of suppressed anger towards him. Deep down I knew he'd done me, but I couldn't fully admit it. Then I took some cakes and had an experience of pure terror. Everything I felt towards him and as much of the true reading of our situation, as much as I could know, was revealed. A few days later I parted ways.

After this I was very subdued and sapped. I tried to pick myself up, but I couldn't. Part of that was due to the anger I had towards him - that he took two years of my life and I thought I had nothing to show for it. I couldn't move on because I couldn't forgive, forget and move on. My heart was only filled with a desire to hurt him. Now I am lucky that he no longer controls me via my own hate.

I ended up slopping down hill over a couple of years. I ended up with a tiny residual income of $60 / month and half of that was spent on Christmas and birthday presents. I developed serious pain that plagued me day and night. Often I could not sleep. I could get no help from socialised medicine. So I wasn't working. I had no money. I lived with relatives. I could not exercise and I was in pain. It seemed nothing good in life was going to come my way.

Eventually I was diagnosed with a serious illness. It later turns out I did not have it. At that point it seemed I could have nothing in life. I spent all day walking and the pain I was in increased. At this point I was planning to disappear into The Rocky Mountains.

Then the person who I was dependent on killed themselves, in circumstances in which you might find understandable.

It was only when I'd lost everything, that I began digging myself out of all the holes I was in. It was that, death or the cold. And I ended up in those holes because I was carrying hatred for another person. I could not get over it, so it controlled my life. And nothing good comes from it.

You have to be able to forgive. Without that, they will always control you. Once you forgive, you can then be forgiven for hating them, and be reborn.

I had another experience in school. There was a teacher, a fake Christian, who was full of hate. He singled me out and would bring me into his office to berate me. Occasionally his children would come into the office and he would scream at them and talk to them like garbage. This was a complete break from his squeaky clean public persona. He obviously had a secret and dark world that'd he'd decided I was going to be part of. Messing his kids up was not enough of an outlet for his hate. I was a young boy and lectures made me feel powerless.

I had some severe problem around this time and ended up virtually dropping out of society. I lost most of my friends and had problems interacting socially. I became anxious. It was in this time that I made the only attempt I have made to take my life. But it was more an act of self-pity and a desire for attention. I thought of killing myself at school, so people would feel bad. I was possessed by the spirit of my father, Satan.

Then out of nowhere I started to have more positive feelings. I also started to get an usual feeling that in the future something big was going to happen - in the time we are living now. And also got the feeling that "something was going on" with the media and government.

One day I got home. I was alone. I began watching a TV special. It was about people whose lives are controlled by fear. I was in tears of realisation of how I was living in fear. After it finished I went upstairs and I began writing ideas that were coming into my head. I felt like ideas were being downloaded into my mind by my grandfather, who died 9 years earlier.

I took a piece of paper and titled it with the time and date - 23:00 23rd December 2002. I wrote down my realisations and things I should do in my life, for it not to be controlled by the fear others had put into me. One of my realisations was that the reason the teacher had chosen to mentally abuse me was because he had so much hate in him that he could not deal with it. He had to give it to me. And that there is no reason why you should feel bad about yourself for being subject to that. Those who do it are living in fear and darkness. They only have power so long as you accept to being beneath them. The only way you can get over it is to forgive them. Otherwise their anger will always be in you, controlling you. Unfortunately I never did most of the things I intended to do, but I left my negative state. Up until that point I'd been convinced in school of the scientific explanation of existence. But ever since I became convinced of a spiritual dimension to life.

In the other dark period I mentioned, there was a day that I started on a path that I became obsessed with and was one of the most important instances in my life. It seemed insignificant at the time. It began with me trying to find out how Nick Rockefeller is related to The Rockefeller family, but that led me onto something else, which ended up being the basis for my career. I know the exact time it started as I created a file on my computer, which was created 23:12:10 23 December 2010.

In around 2015 a relative brought some family items round. Among them were the military records of my grandfather. He died when I was young. I don't remember too much about him, other than that he was humble, a gentleman by today' standards and would tell me of his time in WWII. I noted that his date of birth was given as 23:00 23 December 1912.

Regarding the one who transgressed against you. He is an angry man who could not deal with it, so he gave some of it to you to try and escape it. He is tortured by his anger and unless he repents he will be judged eternally. Unless you can forgive him, you will never be able to move on and live the life God wants you to live - a life where your heart is not heavy with the sins of yourself and others.

If you find this man and tell him you forgive him, his reaction will show you what a small and scared man he is.
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Good on you, Gework. Thanks for sharing the wisdom of your experience.

The very first thing I got back from the Blessed Mother through the Seven Sorrows Devotion was my Primary Wound involved my inability to forgive others. Part of this is also understanding that I have hurt other people, so I pray for Jesus to undo what I have done very badly, and pray that they forgive me.

This will eventually go much further during therapy: my Sister recently asked her Abuser to forgive her. She was initially taken aback for a second when I suggested it at my Priest's suggestion, then she thought for a second: "No, you're right. I should ask that."

This is also the core problem at the root of Judgemental God versus Mercifiul God: people are unable to forgive themselves for the sins they commit, despite God having forgiven them. Now and then, I forgive myself in Jesus' name and ask for his blessing, particularly when I'm tempted by Scruples after confession.

This would match St Bernard of Clairvaux's four stages of loving God:

1. Man loves himself for his own sake.
2. Man loves God for what God gives him.
3. Man loves God for God's own sake.
4. Man loves himself for God's sake.

Eventually you enter a way of looking at others where you see them as God sees them, which means, you lose all urge to condemn them. They're struggling, like you are, and they're loved in their struggling state.

Something my Priest sent me a while back:

God always forgives - infinite reconciliation.
Humankind is called to always forgive - finite reconciliation / supernatural forgiveness.
The Devil never forgives - eternal unforgiveness.


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Then, simply pray, 'Lord Jesus, I forgive [abuser's name] in your name, and I ask you to bring down your blessings upon Him.'

Invite Jesus into the source of your pain as you do so.

The hidden trauma I have seems to involve another neighbor's back shed. This was revealed during a therapeutic process known as transformation prayer. I thought I imagined it, until I asked my Sister: "Was there a back shed next door?" and she gasped, and described the elm trees along one side of it.

Understand that during this process, Jesus is there with you and walks you through it. There is no need to be afraid, though he doesn't push you further than you're ready to handle.

With my Sister, Jesus took her back to her childhood bedroom and walked her around it. She remembered everything in perfect detail, when she'd blocked it out for years. He pulled the blinds and let the sunlight into the room, then told her that it was OK, and now that the light had been let in, she didn't have to come back to this place anymore, and told her to go outside and play with me. I've had this experience too: I was seeing my childhood house that I was terrified in, but from an adult height, not a child's.

During one particularly dark moment, I saw Him clearly being prepared to be nailed to the cross, and despite the depictions you see of Him, he's strong and very masculine. I immediately fell to my knees: My Lord, My King, I would die for you. I noted the vascularity of his arms, and the thought entered into my head: "He could carry anything I give him". And with that, I gave him my pain, it was lifted from me, as he bore it all for me.

Due to the recent Covid fuss, I haven't had therapy for over a month, but I know something is waiting in that shed. But on Monday this week, I had a conversation with Him whilst praying the Rosary on my walk, that it was time to look inside and, whatever it is, I know He'll keep me protected during it. With that, I understood that, whilst I thought I'd shared everything I had of myself with Him, I realised I'd never truly given Him full access to a part of me even I won't allow myself into.

So, I imagined the shed and told him the source of my pain and sin and misbehaviour is in there, and whilst I'm scared to look at it, I know the shed has to be opened. Then I gave him my full consent to enter into that most private space I have, and that when he's ready to bring me in, to call me, and, together, we'll look at it.

I'd been in a terrible illness and desolation for the few days before that, since then, all urge to sin has fallen away and I'm just floating through my days, filled with a deep, internal stillness and a warm sense of trust.

This is what I mean about inviting Jesus into the pain. You don't have to bear it by yourself.


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I forgot to mention: that image of Jesus at the Cross was particularly-humbling because I've been in the Dark Night of the Senses since January 2019: this is a known Action of God in a Soul to purify what the soul cannot under its own power. Functionally, it's impossible for me to see anything via my imagination. If you ask me to think of a Cat, I see nothing, but just have a vague intellectual understanding that I should be conjuring up a cat-like object.

In this state, any workings of the imagination are only those allowed by God. Most commonly I see Creatures when I'm tempted by sin, which are the demons working behind the temptation, which can then be described to be tagged and bagged by Jesus during the Deliverance process, but even then they're still obscure and confusing to describe.

So, when I say I saw Jesus on the Cross, or wandered around my childhood home, I meant it was as vivid as my hand in front of my face. It was like someone finally turned on a light that hadn't worked for the last year. I could see His arm, right down to the veins and hair on it. Dirty blonde, like his dark hair had been sun-bleached.

With my house, I could trace the weird mottled pattern on the black vinyl couch in the front room that I didn't remember existed moments before, and noticed it sat next to a pappasan chair that was right out of the Addams Family. I had no conscious memory of this, but my Sister remembered it when I described it to her. "It had little cubic patterns on it." She was right, I'd noted them. What fascinated me was the change of perspective: I was seeing none of it from a child's perspective or eye-line.

I wish I could do justice to how real the spiritual reality is.


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Abused as a child here - but not sexually - just a lot of violence. It took me a few decades to turn my life around but to save you a bit of time, let me offer you a few things that should help you embark on the right path:
  1. GOD loves you and has equipped you with the power to create a very positive future for you. You need to accept that as a truth before anything else.
  2. What happened to you lies in the past and thus cannot be changed.
  3. First step toward a new beginning is the realization that your past is currently defining your reality and - even worse - your future.
  4. You will never be able to change your past but you do not have to let your past affect your future.
  5. What has happened to you was of course detestable and tragic but depression and hate will only serve to keep you trapped in your past.
  6. Abused children are often plagued by guilt and shame, which is the sentiment their oppressors should be feeling. Realize that in most cases they do not and as such you are given them even more power many years later by enduring these feelings. Child abuse is all about imposing oneself on an innocent being who is unable to defend itself.
  7. Your goal going forward needs be to redefine a new reality - a new consciousness - which is unaffected by what happened to you in your childhood.
  8. If it's any consolation: The perp - no matter who it was - has committed a great sin and will be roasting in hell for eternity.
I strongly recommend you take a look at Bruce Lipton who comes across a bit cultish but he will provide you with the right tools to change your life. The sheer fact that you are on this forum and are seeking out help from like minded brothers is a big step forward which required a lot of courage. It's a very private and for some embarrassing issue that is laden with guilt. But it can be overcome rather quickly in a moment of epiphany, do not think this is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. You can put it behind you - it's what I did and my life turned out to be glorious (I'm an old but super happy fart now).
Horrible stuff. I wish OP the best on the long road he has ahead

It should also be a reminder to all of us loving fathers, uncles, brothers, nephews and what not to keep your eyes wide open and your vulnerable loved ones close.

If that makes you a 'sheltering, overprotective' parent so be it. You can't take the risk or you'll never forgive yourself

Degeneracy worldwide is on the rise. I personally consider only very few vetted family members and friends trustworthy enough to be around my children when I am not there. All the others are considered potential threats

Don't give evil a chance. They act on the basis of opportunity


Perhaps you will find this helpful; I pray so. An Orthodox Christian friend, paraphrasing Lewis, said that "you can never have any evil with a genuine logos. Every evil act is a misshapen attempt to realize some good. God created man to rejoice in Him and in others. God is the Existent One. Because He is the only One to exist necessarily, His mode of existence defines and shapes out what it actually means to exist. He exists tripersonally so that each Divine Person is wholly interior to the other Two."

That is to say, God created the world to be intrinsically ordered toward communion as a result of His own Being, and especially He created Man in His image to be joyfully in communion with Him and with each other. Unfortunately, the evil that corrupted the world has also severed communion between God, ourselves, and each other. This evil is a perverse attempt to recapture some semblance of that communion. From this many perversions spring. My friend goes on to say:

"There are an enormous variety of perversions. I'm not going to give examples, but anyone who has been on the Internet for long enough knows just how many there are. Why? Each perversion represents a distinct kind of disorder in finding ourselves in communion. Even that phrase reminds me: think of how many people decide that in order to 'find themselves' they have to shatter the life of their entire family, sending out an enormous ripple effect of brokenness, multiplying outwards and increasing in intensity until someone, in response to being broken, blesses and does not curse. That's what Jesus did. That's who He is.

God turns all things for good. For those who feel immersed and enslaved in sexual sin, who are at the point of despair, remember that your brokenness has already shattered the Son of God, by whose faithfulness we live- 'who loved me and gave Himself for me.' Drag it to the cross and put a stake in its heart."

It may seem impossible to forgive your abuser, and in one sense, God does not call us to forgive the unrepentant. By that I mean, in a penal sense, those who do not repent will be reserved for judgment on the Last Day, and the Church has been given the authority to retain the sins of the impenitent, with the promise that God will surely punish those whose sins have been retained. On the other hand, we are called to do good to our enemies, and to pray for them. You do not have to "forgive and forget" what was done to you, but you can stop the chain of brokenness and disorder by blessing, and not cursing. The Lord became a curse for you (and for your abuser). Like my friend said: surrender your brokenness to Him, for He bore the weight of it already on the Cross. Drive a nail through the heart of your pain and hate. Take His yoke upon you, for it is easy, and His burden light. There you will find rest for your soul. My friend concludes:

"At the end of the day, there is good news. All things are ordered to the praise of the glory of His grace, and for freedom has the Messiah set us free. In your victory He will be magnified in His beauty from your ashes. He rebukes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

I know this is not an easy thing, from my own experience with abuse. But in the Word and Blessed Sacrament I found the restoration of my brokenness in literal communion with God. And therein the peace of God that passes all understanding brought peace to my heart and mind through faith in Christ Jesus. And I have been able to pray that the Lord would forgive him who did me wrong, and that He would bless him.

Again, you are in my prayers. The peace of the risen Lord, who will make all things new, be with you.


Gold Member
If it's any consolation: The perp - no matter who it was - has committed a great sin and will be roasting in hell for eternity.

Horus: I'd strongly-avoid this mindset. This man has hurt you, and in return you have drunk a cup of poison and 'killed' him in your heart. This continues the cycle of evil, and this evil needs to be released from your heart. This is part of the reason why I'm stressing forgiveness so hard. There is no-one I would wish eternal damnation on just because they hurt me, however badly.

The 'floodgates' haven't 'opened'. You're seeking catharsis, and the pain is ready to be dealt with. You are currently choosing to suffer by letting what this man did to you continue to hurt you. Part of praying for his forgiveness is no longer allowing him to have the power to keep hurting you.

I apologise for not remembering this prayer sooner, until my Priest just asked me If I'd passed it on yet. It's a prayer by Father Gabriel Amoroth, who was an Exorcist for the Vatican for decades, and performed an incredible amount of them.

I'm not sure how strong your faith is, but my Priest says even if you don't believe yet, to 'fake it til you make it' and the act of inviting Jesus in repeatedly will bring healing, and then belief will grow. This is similar to the Manosphere concept of faking Alpha until you become Alpha.

This is known as the prayer for Inner Healing:

Lord Jesus, Thou came to heal our wounded and troubled hearts. I beg Thee to heal the torments that cause anxiety in my heart; I beg Thee, in a particular way, to heal all who are the cause of sin. I beg Thee to come into my life and heal me of the psychological harms that struck me in my early years and from the injuries that they caused through my life.

Lord Jesus, Thou knows my burdens. I lay them all on Thy Good Shepherd’s Heart. I beseech Thee – by the merits of the great, open wound in Thy heart-to heal the small wounds that are in mine. Heal the pain of my memories, so that nothing that has happened to me will cause me to remain in pain and anguish, filled with anxiety.

Heal, O Lord, all those wounds that have been the cause of all the evil that is rooted in my life. I want to forgive all those who have offended me. Look to those inner sores that make me unable to forgive. Thou Who came to forgive the afflicted of heart, please, heal my own heart.

Heal, my Lord Jesus, those intimate wounds that cause me physical illness. I offer Thee my heart. Accept it, Lord, purify it and give me the sentiments of Thy Divine Heart. Help me to be meek and humble.

Heal me, O Lord, from the pain caused by the death of my loved ones, which is oppressing me. Grant me to regain peace and joy in the knowledge that Thou art the Resurrection and the Life. Make me an authentic witness to Thy Resurrection, Thy victory over sin and death, Thy living presence among us. Amen.

God bless you, Horus.

Thomas More

I want to forgive.

A number of years ago, I had a co-worker that really disliked me, and harassed me frequently. I was a temp, and he was a permanent employee, so he had power over me, but wasn't my direct supervisor.

It got so his harassment ate into me, and I stewed about it day and night, rehearsing conversations in my mind as to how I would finally zing him in front of everyone, or something.

Finally, I couldn't stand the constant stewing about this and had to do something to cope.

I knew that the Bible says to pray for your enemies, and God will heap coals upon their head. I thought heaping coals sounded good, but I would have to pray for his good, and I didn't want to do that at all.

I finally decided to do it, and it went against the grain very badly within my mind. I wanted bad for him, and I hated asking God to bless him. Hated it. However, I managed to suck it up and say the words in my mind.

I never knew if God dealt with him any differently, but I was very surprised to find all my angst about him was gone. I didn't have to learn to cope better or anything like that. I just wasn't bothered or preoccupied about the situation anymore.

I ended up standing in church a week or so later and giving a testimony about this, and I had another guy say he had the same issue at his work, and tried praying for him based on my testimony, and his burden was lifted as well.

Praying for your enemies has real power to heal your own heart.


Just curious: why did you pick Horus as a username? Did you seek out the occult to understand what happened to you?


Gold Member
Just curious: why did you pick Horus as a username? Did you seek out the occult to understand what happened to you?
No nothing like that. I chose it at random, I think to emulate Tuthmosis by choosing something Egyptian sounding. I didn't know about the occult connotations at the time. I've never gotten around to changing it.