What Are The Biggest Red Flags When Courting?

Thomas More

Crow
Protestant
These are some red flags I would be concerned about -
Does he respect her intimacy boundaries?
Does he call to keep in touch on a regular basis?
Does he ask about her day and actually care what she says?
Would he go out of his way to help her or someone she knows if their car broke down?
Does he have an obsessive compulsive personality disorder?
Is he taking medication to control his schizophrenia?
You might want to put the last question first in evaluating a prospective husband!

Of course I realize you're kidding about this one. Otherwise I probably should not try to project my ideas of what would make a good husband. The ones you mention here are certainly very important.
 

Jive Turkey

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
The average list of red flags for women is nearly eliminated as long as the woman is nice, weighs less than the man, and does not want to kill her children.

The averages list of red flags for men descends into debates over dressing like an 17th-century-tzarist Mormon and covering bicycle handles with rags.

There is probably a deeper meaning in this.
Idk if this is meant to flame the women or the men but this is absolutely hilarious
 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
My #1 red flag is pretty simple. Applies to men and women:

- loves money

That's not to say anyone should be disqualified simply for having money; even a lot of it (though to me that thought is about as comforting as stockpiling explosives in my garage). But if they love money? If they're hung up on money? If they take pleasure in the earning and the spending of money for its own sake? If they feel a need to signal to the public that they have money?

Next. :poo:
 

TMarie

Sparrow
Woman
Catholic
You might want to put the last question first in evaluating a prospective husband!

Of course I realize you're kidding about this one. Otherwise I probably should not try to project my ideas of what would make a good husband. The ones you mention here are certainly very important.
I know of a guy who said nothing about his problem of seeing things that are not actually there for six months. After six months he said he is on medication to control it. How would a person know about this if they did not tell anyone? They don't want to tell people, because they know that no one will go out with them when they find out about it.
 

BLMeToo

Robin
Catholic
My #1 red flag is pretty simple. Applies to men and women:

- loves money

That's not to say anyone should be disqualified simply for having money; even a lot of it (though to me that thought is about as comforting as stockpiling explosives in my garage). But if they love money? If they're hung up on money? If they take pleasure in the earning and the spending of money for its own sake? If they feel a need to signal to the public that they have money?

Next. :poo:
Agreed. I've noticed that beyond feminism, socialism, and all the other isms that have ruined the Christian faith in society, materialism is probably more pervasive than the rest. Particularly among immigrants that assimilate into the west: the first generation comes poor in wealth but rich in faith and tradition, then each generation gains more money but loses more of their faith and tradition, and soon enough they're completely pozzed and buy into globohomo.
 

Theodora Gee

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
Most of us are on our best behaviour when courting or being courted. I say a massive red flag is when someone’s words and actions don’t match. If words are not not backed up by actions, actions should override words.
Another red flag is when a man is unable to make decisions for himself and just follows the herd, expect that he will not take the lead in the marriage either.
 
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Theodora Gee

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
If she comes from a broken home you need to avoid her like the plague.
A few points…
- What if she has learnt from her past and does not repeat the same mistakes as her parents?
- Are women/men from broken homes not worthy of love?
- Would you judge someone based on the past they didn’t choose to have?

That’s a lot of women you would be avoiding as there are sadly many broken homes these days.
 

KC123

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
Hello,

What are some red flags when courting for marriage? Specifically in men, but I would like to hear what some men feel are red flags for women too.

Just asking out of curiosity.


May God bless you all
Great thread idea. Has been entertaining, informative, and thought-provoking.

I wonder how many of the single people who contributed might one day as married people look back on what they wrote and have a good old chuckle to themselves.

I may be stating the obvious but if you are blessed enough to find an unvaxxed person who is repentant and willing to put in the effort to be a good companion and spouse, I'm pretty sure the rest can be worked on since they have demonstrated enough independence of thought, distrust of mainstream narrative and of course, humility before God that if let's say, you present them with new information regarding health or relationships, parenthood, the dangers of certain chemicals etc... they would likely listen to you. At least that has been my experience.

For me, a non-negotiable however is someone who is materialistic / loves money, pleasure, comfort, status. It doesn't matter if they are at Church 5 x a week and give plenty of alms. Someone like this is firmly attached to the world and has completely inverted priorities - and imo, the only reason they have 'resisted' the vaxx so far is because it gives them status points and feeds their ego.

Considering that we are going through a planned economic demolition, I would like a man who I know would be as happy raising a family in a tent in the woods as he would in a nice house. I know it's easier said than done, but you want someone who you could at least trust to not sell your family out when things *truly* get difficult for Christians and the unvaccinated - because it's going to happen likely sooner than we realise.
 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
Considering that we are going through a planned economic demolition, I would like a man who I know would be as happy raising a family in a tent in the woods as he would in a nice house.
Exactly. I dated a man for a couple years who was the only child of parents who were... not, like, massively wealthy, but wealthy enough to have raised him with material expectations that were very high.

Setting aside the other reasons why he was completely wrong for me (there were some big ones that it took a while to see), and just looking at the materialism factor... even though the cultural/class divide did not seem completely insurmountable, it became more and more apparent over time that the only "security" he could afford me was money-based, and that made me uneasy.

It wasn't that he was incapable of providing/protecting a family and pulling through under dire circumstances. He was strong, intelligent, skilled, etc. It was that his "HAPPINESS" depended on maintaining a certain material standard of living. Many of the things he said made it very clear that being POOR was one of the worst things he could imagine. And "HAPPINESS" was also important enough to him to make me question his ability to function under extreme hardship. "I have to be HAPPY all the time" and "I have to be able to buy whatever I want without thinking/worrying about it" were sentiments that set off alarm bells for me.

I've been low-key forecasting economic demolition since I was a kid, and when I looked forward to a future with this man that involved "losing everything," and resources becoming scarce, total economic collapse/depression, etc. - I could not picture him maintaining the composure and morale to effectively lead a family under such circumstances.

He had a good career and a LOT of earning potential ahead of him - but he was in an industry that ended up heavily affected by "pandemic" nonsense, so I wonder sometimes how he's holding up these days. Incompatibility aside, he was always very kind to me, so I do hope he's faring well.

But BOY AM I GLAD I ended up with a man who left behind a six-figure salary in order to live a simpler life. He was perfectly happy being "technically homeless" together, living in a corner of the basement where I worked for several months (back when my kids were still living primarily with their dad, before he skipped outta town/outta state) - and then sharing a twin bed wedged into the under-stairs closet as our "bedroom" for a couple of years (so the kids could have the real bedroom) when skyrocketing housing costs had us cramming too many housemates into one rental for a while. We were still in the middle of our "toughest" times financially (so far) when he encouraged me to quit my job and stay home. He has never shown so much as an ounce of resentment or despair or unease over having to live extremely frugally at times.

Having previously lived the very comfortable life where he could buy anything he wanted without thinking about it, it is plain and obvious that he derives far more joy from the things intrinsic to our union (love, service, family, etc.), than from any material lifestyle or standard of living that can be bought with money. If we "lost everything," he would be able to laugh with me while we watch the world burn from our tent in the woods -- instead of, like, abandoning his family or throwing himself out a high-rise window.
 

KC123

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
Exactly. I dated a man for a couple years who was the only child of parents who were... not, like, massively wealthy, but wealthy enough to have raised him with material expectations that were very high.

Setting aside the other reasons why he was completely wrong for me (there were some big ones that it took a while to see), and just looking at the materialism factor... even though the cultural/class divide did not seem completely insurmountable, it became more and more apparent over time that the only "security" he could afford me was money-based, and that made me uneasy.

It wasn't that he was incapable of providing/protecting a family and pulling through under dire circumstances. He was strong, intelligent, skilled, etc. It was that his "HAPPINESS" depended on maintaining a certain material standard of living. Many of the things he said made it very clear that being POOR was one of the worst things he could imagine. And "HAPPINESS" was also important enough to him to make me question his ability to function under extreme hardship. "I have to be HAPPY all the time" and "I have to be able to buy whatever I want without thinking/worrying about it" were sentiments that set off alarm bells for me.

I've been low-key forecasting economic demolition since I was a kid, and when I looked forward to a future with this man that involved "losing everything," and resources becoming scarce, total economic collapse/depression, etc. - I could not picture him maintaining the composure and morale to effectively lead a family under such circumstances.

He had a good career and a LOT of earning potential ahead of him - but he was in an industry that ended up heavily affected by "pandemic" nonsense, so I wonder sometimes how he's holding up these days. Incompatibility aside, he was always very kind to me, so I do hope he's faring well.

But BOY AM I GLAD I ended up with a man who left behind a six-figure salary in order to live a simpler life. He was perfectly happy being "technically homeless" together, living in a corner of the basement where I worked for several months (back when my kids were still living primarily with their dad, before he skipped outta town/outta state) - and then sharing a twin bed wedged into the under-stairs closet as our "bedroom" for a couple of years (so the kids could have the real bedroom) when skyrocketing housing costs had us cramming too many housemates into one rental for a while. We were still in the middle of our "toughest" times financially (so far) when he encouraged me to quit my job and stay home. He has never shown so much as an ounce of resentment or despair or unease over having to live extremely frugally at times.

Having previously lived the very comfortable life where he could buy anything he wanted without thinking about it, it is plain and obvious that he derives far more joy from the things intrinsic to our union (love, service, family, etc.), than from any material lifestyle or standard of living that can be bought with money. If we "lost everything," he would be able to laugh with me while we watch the world burn from our tent in the woods -- instead of, like, abandoning his family or throwing himself out a high-rise window.
Wow, you nailed it. Thank you for perfectly elaborating on my intended sentiments.

Also, I feel somewhat relieved to hear of such stories as it gives me hope that indeed there are still men out there who are up to the task. Not that I'm black-pilled about finding a husband as I trust in God's timing, but considering the state of both men AND women nowadays, I can't say I've actually met a man IRL aside from my brother who I would trust to do what is right when things get really bad.

What a wonderful husband you have. May the Lord bless you both.
 

messaggera

Pelican
Woman
Other Christian
Most of us are on our best behaviour when courting or being courted. I say a massive red flag is when someone’s words and actions don’t match. If words are not not backed up by actions, actions should override words.

Similar to the behaviour of “playing hard to get.”

This playing behaviour is intentional manipulation (due to pride, vanity, self-idolatry); as where some individuals may exhibit a similar behaviour not as manipulation, but rather as a defense mechanism.

Valuable honest information from a forum member that could be used as a foundation prior to courting:
5 Principles being:
1.) Uniformity with God’s will
2.) be mission focused
3.) know your standards for women
4.) know your boundaries in relationships
5.) be assertive and kind

It seems that he is on the right track and was wondering what y’all also thought of his “course” at the end of the video too? Think it’s worth it?

This entire video seems like it’s detailing all of what men should be doing to not chase women, but to be present and open to opportunities God sends each of our ways, but also to be put God above ourselves (counter to the RP) and reordering the proper hierarchy between men and women.

Wondering about y’all’s thoughts overall + the course at the end.

A forum promoted Christian writer (different from the ones in this thread) once advised, “Playing hard to get with a man allows sexual tension to grow.”

This is harmful advice and courting is not a game. Intentionally playing is different than exhibiting an uncontrolled behaviour that is a result of anxiety and insecurity:


Insecure people (high on avoidance, anxiety, or both) use hard-to-get strategies to manage their psychological vulnerabilities. Avoidant people do not want to get too close to others, and playing hard to get can help them with that. People high on anxiety may have grown up with inconsistent parents.

Insecure people are playing hard-to-get or chasing hard-to-get others (i.e., an aloof potential mate) as a way to obtain the kind of romantic or sexual relationships they want (e.g., low on intimacy).

The advice: “Playing hard to get with a man allows sexual tension to grow,” sounds more of a feminist mindset than Christian.

So if a behaviour comes across as playing hard to get the individual is either insecure (to an extent) or egocentric. An insecure individual can change through love, but egocentric behaviour is high maintenance and the individual may never change (but there is hope in faith- Mark 10:27)
 

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Similar to the behaviour of “playing hard to get.”

This playing behaviour is intentional manipulation (due to pride, vanity, self-idolatry); as where some individuals may exhibit a similar behaviour not as manipulation, but rather as a defense mechanism.

Valuable honest information from a forum member that could be used as a foundation prior to courting:


A forum promoted Christian writer (different from the ones in this thread) once advised, “Playing hard to get with a man allows sexual tension to grow.”

This is harmful advice and courting is not a game. Intentionally playing is different than exhibiting an uncontrolled behaviour that is a result of anxiety and insecurity:




The advice: “Playing hard to get with a man allows sexual tension to grow,” sounds more of a feminist mindset than Christian.

So if a behaviour comes across as playing hard to get the individual is either insecure (to an extent) or egocentric. An insecure individual can change through love, but egocentric behaviour is high maintenance and the individual may never change (but there is hope in faith- Mark 10:27)
Humility and authenticity are the same thing. If one can take down the masks of inauthenticity (which is pride, vanity, and self-idolatry, and fear)… then one can be fully present to God’s will and be at peace without trying to manipulate the other. Manipulating comes from fear and pride rather than anything else. And, my vice is fear.
 

Jaszczurka

Robin
Catholic
I’m surprised nobody suggested she consider Roosh’s book Lady which might offer her some insights into prospective male suitors. I won’t repeat those tips here but just add my own:

Most red flags are just that, something to trigger alertness and not jump too deep into the water emotionally before vetting someone through a proper courtship period. That being said, here’s my 2 Kopeki/Groszy:

1. He’s good looking, impeccably dressed, and said the most interesting things before asking you out. (Hint: This forum used to be full of tips on how to project that!) Many modern women’s demands of perfection from men encourages deception, even requires it. It’s like the perfect tomato at the supermarket that’s right in the front of the bin. THAT scares the heck out of me. Hey, he might be a great guy whose just got life experience and moves, but keep in mind that there’s a reason why some other gal hasn’t snatched him yet.

2. He loses it around bratty kids or avoids events where there are a lot of kids. A lot of parents don’t acquire such skills until they have kids, but it’s useful to just keep an eye out on?

3. How does he handle compliments? (This is also to be directed with women.) It’s a strange era when many men strike out with “beta game” at complimenting women because it makes them seem weak. Not just compliments, but kindness, affection, and help. Keep in mind, sadly, that many men are starved for compliments so this can be a misleading indicator since so few men are prepared for them, but it’s a neat way to break the ice and see how someone ticks.

4. Irregular Operations. An airline matters most when their plane is delayed. How do they handle it? How does he handle a flat tire? Even if he pays someone else to fix it (hey, if he earns a good living and has a nice suit, let AAA handle it!) but see whether he can get stuff done.

Finally, one of the things I hated about “traditional” dating was the shit tests and general lack of respect. It’s ok if you observe someone going through a hard time and see how they handle it (such as the flat tire happening on its own) rather than running the air out and toying with him. For me, I shut down shit tests and such games down hard.

PS:pS: You are at least well motivated and responsible and I think that’s a great start.
 
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