Why do you want to get married?

Cristina

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
Are there organizations for farmers you could participate in? I think part of the goal is not necessarily to put yourself in a position to meet eligible men directly. It is to create a larger social circle of the right kind of people, such that they will introduce you to someone they know that they think would be a good match for you.

Church is obviously a good start, but as many have noticed, each individual church could have only a handful of eligible singles, with none of them being a desirable match. I think the solution is to get involved in activities that connect with a larger group of people, to network socially among the right sort.
I am working on this right now, checking out an Orthodox organization for the youth. The bad part is I do not have so much free time, almost none at all.

At the same time I try to reconnect with my old friends from childhood. Most of them are married.

In the past there used to be weekly dancing and singing "parties" in the village after Church, where young people met and danced while their parents and grandparents stood on the sides, watched and talked with each other. Also, there were "working parties". When someone, let's say, harvested a big field of corn, the whole village was invited to process the corn and put it in the barn. For a whole day young and old people worked together, laughed and socialized.

Now this kind of activities where young people could meet in the presence of the elders no longer exist.

I agree that the church is not such a good way to find someone, but it is better than nothing.
 

Ah_Tibor

Pelican
Woman
Orthodox
I am working on this right now, checking out an Orthodox organization for the youth. The bad part is I do not have so much free time, almost none at all.

At the same time I try to reconnect with my old friends from childhood. Most of them are married.

There's a few Orthodox summer camps in Eastern Europe (at least that I know of in Slovakia, Romania, Ukraine etc). Working with kids and making friendships with counselors is a good outlet.

Even if you're not looking to get married or don't have a lot of free time, it's beneficial to get out once in awhile. :)
 

PineTreeFarmer

Woodpecker
Woman
Orthodox Inquirer
I am working on this right now, checking out an Orthodox organization for the youth. The bad part is I do not have so much free time, almost none at all.

At the same time I try to reconnect with my old friends from childhood. Most of them are married.

In the past there used to be weekly dancing and singing "parties" in the village after Church, where young people met and danced while their parents and grandparents stood on the sides, watched and talked with each other. Also, there were "working parties". When someone, let's say, harvested a big field of corn, the whole village was invited to process the corn and put it in the barn. For a whole day young and old people worked together, laughed and socialized.

Now this kind of activities where young people could meet in the presence of the elders no longer exist.
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Let some of your thoughts land near you. Think about how the things you think you are called by the Lord to do arrive in the world. I'll be thinking about this, and praying for you. Truly, if thoughts were planes and we didn't build an airport for them to land, they would run out of fuel eventually. If you allow them to land safely near you, you can assess what the issues look like near you.
Praying for you! <3
 

IconWriter

Woodpecker
Woman
Orthodox
Gold Member
I've got a few more thoughts about this. If you want to find a spouse:
Make it a higher priority. Make time.
Make time to get out and meet people, as it doesn't "just happen".
Meet friends of friends, go to church and Christian activities (again, fish in the right pond).
Get involved in activities outside of work that are meaningful:
volunteer, "give back", focusing instead on others. When you get outside of yourself, good things happen.
Finally, make peace with the idea that maybe the Lord has other plans for you. Being single can free you up to reach out more to others as did the saints, and to strengthen your inner self spiritually, as the monastics.
 

christie2

Woodpecker
Woman
Other Christian
My biggest hurdles are expectations of a man's Looks(visibly muscular through clothing and golden ratio, my height 5'5"" and above, wellgroomed and high selfcare)
and Behaviour(devout, 110% loyal and fierce protector, kind, patient and loving like Jesus, knows its better to treat me as 'daughter' rather than 'mother')

These two hurdles are what I have read men face as well
(Looks and Behaviour-they want beautiful and feminine women that behave submissively)

When I started learning redpill concepts late 2019, I realised I am not permitted to have my standards unless I meet their standards first.
Women have to be the first to improve and be accountable to meeting expectations.
Its a weird truth because you would think men have to lead, be the first to improve.

But we live in an environment where women have more influence than men.
Its called gynocentrism and I was shocked when I learned men had so little rights and so much abuse.

It must be women that must change and improve first.
 

messaggera

Pelican
Woman
Other Christian
Women have to be the first to improve and be accountable to meeting expectations.
Its a weird truth because you would think men have to lead, be the first to improve.

But we live in an environment where women have more influence than men.
Its called gynocentrism and I was shocked when I learned men had so little rights and so much abuse.

It must be women that must change and improve first.

Absolutely!
 

JuanChristophorus

Sparrow
Trad Catholic
It was a huge mistake. Not the part where I got married and had children, but the part where I married ASAP because I wanted to slap a little band-aid on a gaping spiritual wound I'd carried around forever without acknowledging or understanding.
Whenever things don't go right in my life this is what I'm tempted to do: get with a woman out of desperation rather than her being a good complement to my character.
Don't do it. Take care of your issues first. Talk to your dad. Talk to your priest. If you don't have a father figure or a priest you can talk to about these things, work on that FIRST. Maybe marriage can be part of your healing - but women who are motivated to marry because they crave sex (ESPECIALLY if there is history of sexual trauma, but probably even without) should not be trusted to choose their husbands.
More often than not I met girls who override you with their insecurities and they feel you have to compensate/therapize their void. Others want you to reenact their trauma: provoking a reaction that traumatized them in the first place. Is healing on their mind? No. Do they perceive the problem? Yes. Do they want a solution? No. I noticed when being this disturbed the hatred for God and the Church is intense. Even the mere suggestion of prayer is met with lack of comprehension and hostility.
There are enough pitfalls for men, where there exists an entire traditional body of knowledge regarding the masculine need for sex, and the (toxic) feminine inclination to use sex as a tool or a weapon.
Whenever I was in good standing the complementary woman for my life was given. There was no sign of desperation or depravity in the relationship. From getting to know each other, we respected each other for the virtues we have, out of that respect grew a love known only to a few people. When I fall from grace, these kind of women never enter my life. It is one thing that is often overlooked: mutual respect. Not in the egalitarian sense, but the total acknowledgement of boundaries and appreciation of character. Only through this lasting love developed. Was sex involved? No. It would've only tainted of what is kept pure. Did I marry any of them? If I hadn't waited too long, yes.
 

Cristina

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
So, basically, the first time around, as a young woman, I got married for the sex. And because I desperately wanted a man to put himself between me and the rest of the world. And I really wanted babies.

It was a huge mistake. Not the part where I got married and had children, but the part where I married ASAP because I wanted to slap a little band-aid on a gaping spiritual wound I'd carried around forever without acknowledging or understanding.

Not that I ever had a chance to know any better. But the healing I needed should have been a prerequisite to marriage - not something I expected marriage to provide for me.

Any similarly burdened/wayward sisters of mine out there (because I know you exist even if you're not posting here) ought to take heed: That's how you end up unwittingly entrusting your already broken self to a man who will exploit your weaknesses and perpetuate your traumas instead of protecting you.

I think in general if you have some issues (and most of us have, especially if we come from broken families) the risk of getting married to the wrong person is very high, because you are desperately wanting to fill up a void and you refuse to see the red flags when they show up. Also, your family and friends will probably not warn you that you are about to make a huge mistake.

I know a person who wasn't loved by her parents. Her mother treated her with indifference and was sometimes mean to her. The girl wasn't very good-looking and didn't have many friends. She wanted very hard to have companionship, a good friend to talk with and a shoulder to cry on. Also she wanted to escape her family home, where she was neglected. One day the prince charming came. He had a soothing voice, seemed loving and understanding, showing her empathy. Two months later they were married (the parents encouraged the quick marriage as well). The guy soon proved to be a narcissist, abusing his wife and kids both physically and mentally. From the empathetic best friend he turned into a controlling tyrant. Now they are divorced, the family is broken and the kids are all suffering from atheism and other mental illnesses.

That is why I asked the question in the forum: "Why do we want to get married"? If we have issues and we marry the wrong person, we could pave our way to hell, not only for us, but also for our children. Marriage is dangerous, even if we are hooked on the bright images of glamorous wedding dresses and Disney princesses. If you are a monastic and fall into sloth or pride, you will bring yourself to damnation, but if you are a mother who is suffering mental breakdowns, you can push your children to hell as well.
 

Ah_Tibor

Pelican
Woman
Orthodox
I think in general if you have some issues (and most of us have, especially if we come from broken families) the risk of getting married to the wrong person is very high, because you are desperately wanting to fill up a void and you refuse to see the red flags when they show up. Also, your family and friends will probably not warn you that you are about to make a huge mistake.

I know a person who wasn't loved by her parents. Her mother treated her with indifference and was sometimes mean to her. The girl wasn't very good-looking and didn't have many friends. She wanted very hard to have companionship, a good friend to talk with and a shoulder to cry on. Also she wanted to escape her family home, where she was neglected. One day the prince charming came. He had a soothing voice, seemed loving and understanding, showing her empathy. Two months later they were married (the parents encouraged the quick marriage as well). The guy soon proved to be a narcissist, abusing his wife and kids both physically and mentally. From the empathetic best friend he turned into a controlling tyrant. Now they are divorced, the family is broken and the kids are all suffering from atheism and other mental illnesses.

Most people I know are in some kind of dysfunctional marriage or relationship because I think, for a lack of a better word, a lot of couples are "co-dependent," not really in love or loving towards each other. Plus if you're in that 20s bracket most relatives just want to see a wedding and grandkids before they die and justify it by saying well you can't really do any better, all men/women are like that, no one promised you happiness, you look old, your eggs are dying, etc (which can cover up a lot of dysfunction).

I think if you have at least a few people in your life who really care about you, they'll be watching out for you or tell you the truth instead of trying to get you bogged down in misery.

That being said, building your social group back up is always good. :) Not everyone gets married but you always need good people in your life.
 

IconWriter

Woodpecker
Woman
Orthodox
Gold Member
There is an excellent book, called Marriage as a Path to Holiness, Lives of Married Saints. by David and Mary Ford. the Forward address this very subject.

"Drawing on that rich but often neglected source, the Lives of the Saints, this book provides us with a representative selection of models, of icons in words, to encourage us on our own journey to the kingdom, whether we are married or not... What is striking first of all about the examples chosen is their diversity. They are spread in time across nearly four thousand years, from the Old Testament era up to our own day. In space they extend no less widely: from Persia in the east to Alaska in the west, from Egypt in the south to England in the north.... In each case the story has been told in a simple but vivid style, with frequent quotations from the original sources and from the liturgical texts.... And, whether we are married, monastics or single, as we look at the living icons of the Holy Trinity on the pages that follow, may we all of us be brought to a deeper appreciation of this 'great mystery' (Ephesians 5:32)."

-from the Foreword by Metropolitan KALLISTOS of Diokleia
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Shedlight11

Sparrow
Woman
Other Christian
-union under God
-love (in its purest form)
-children
-problem solving
-practicing equanimity
-growing in the faith together
-going through challenges together
-raising conscious children
-stability
-living off the land with one another
-following the lead of a man
-homemaking for a family
-serving both husband/children
 

OutlawJustice

Sparrow
Woman
Catholic
I am curious about something. If virginity is superior to married life, but "it is better to marry than to burn with passion", why would an Orthodox woman want to get married?

Women in general are not as tempted by lust as men are (at least, most women I've talked to confirmed to me that they are not so much into that thing, but only do it because their men want it).

What are your reasons for preferring marriage to chastity?

(If there is already a similar thread in the forum, I beg you for forgiveness, I couldn't find it.)
Peace of mind and stability is why I'm seeking marriage. Just need to get a husband first.
 

AdorationoftheCross

Pigeon
Woman
Orthodox
I want cuddles, hugs and massages! :squintlol:

For real, I want to be special for someone and be appreciated for being a woman. When I was a teenager I loved cleaning and laundry and often dreamt of decorating my own home. Now I want to be protected and guided by someone smart and caring. Of course love is a big factor and having a strong bond is so wonderful in a marriage. My parents talk to each other like best friends and I want that very badly.
 
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