Why I Always Wear A Face Mask [Satire]


Originally posted on RooshV.com

You may be surprised to know that I constantly wear a face mask, even when I’m driving alone in my car. The reason is I don’t want to get infected by coronavirus, and other than washing my hands two dozen times a day, the mask is the only way I’m assured of staying healthy. I’d like to share why I wear the mask so that you decide to wear one too.

I’m terrified of death

I have heard that all humans die, but I tremble at the prospect of death because then my entire existence evaporates at the moment I take my last breath. My life would be for nothing, just a random series of events that, in the end, served no purpose. As the logical nihilists tell me, death will be like before I was born, a void of blackness and nothingness. I would like to postpone that moment as much as possible, so I wear the face mask.

Once the scientists inject a coronavirus vaccine into me that will preserve my body and nourish my blood, I can remove the face mask and live just like I did before, which mostly entails seeking out as much pleasure as I’m able to obtain. By the time I’m old, I hope the march of transhumanism will give me the ability to live forever so that my consciousness will never die and the popular brain-in-a-vat thought experiment will become an eternal reality.

The honest media said the face mask is effective

If the face mask wasn’t effective, why would the media, scientists, governors, and mayors advise me to wear one? Why would they lie? How does my compliance help them? You can’t argue that they’re coordinating and doing it for the sake of power alone, because that would suggest the existence of a methodical and coordinated evil, of which there is no such thing. Evil is an archaic term to describe a collection of spontaneous and biological decisions made on the basis of rational self-interest, and nothing more. Besides, it’s not like in the future the authorities will demand I do more than just wear a face mask. Once coronavirus is gone, they will relinquish all their new powers and give us back the meager freedoms we once had, because they want us to live happy, fulfilling lives.

There are many dumb conservatives going on about how mandating face masks is actually a conspiracy theory to disrupt the economy and thwart the re-election of Donald Trump. Some Christians, who believe in the magic sky fairy instead of the fact of the theory of evolution and primordial soup of slime, say that being forced to wear a face mask sets the stage for the devil to arrive in human form. I believe they call it the “Antichrist.” There is no scientific evidence of this! Until scientists who are sponsored and paid for by Bill Gates tell me that there is a devil and the end of the age is fast approaching, there is no Satan or anything that we cannot see. If a scientist doesn’t declare something to be of reality, it is fake, period. Scientists are incapable of uttering falsehood because science, which constantly changes, is the ultimate unchanging truth. All truth comes not from God but the men with the most amount of money who can fund the scientists of the day.

I have actually encountered scientific studies that state there is no definitive proof that face masks block viral infections, but these must certainly be false because they disagree with consensus. How could the majority be wrong? It is simply not true that wearing a face mask to block coronavirus is like building a chain-link fence to keep out mosquitoes. It must do something or else it wouldn’t have been accepted by most of the population that rightfully worships at the altar of the laboratory bench, so therefore I will wear the mask at all times. Granted, doing so has put me in a permanent state of anxiety and reclusion, and I no longer desire to communicate with other people for more than a minute or two at a time, but that’s a small price to pay to live for maybe a little while longer while in a constant state of fear.

There is nothing higher than human life

I think we can agree that, since we all have one shot at this meaningless existence, life must be protected and cherished. Once your die and your consciousness is obliterated, there is no more you, so don’t you think it makes sense to adopt any measure that reduces that chance of death by even 0.1% in the middle of a disease pandemic that has a death rate of 0.02%? Since the mask must do more good than harm, and I simply don’t buy the idea that wearing one blows potential virus particles into your exposed moist eyeballs, we must uphold the sanctity of life by forcing everyone in the world to wear one at punishment of state violence that may lead to death by police.

Now don’t get any wise ideas by thinking we should also criminalize abortion. The right for a woman to party and make Tik Tok videos or Instagram Stories with a svelte, unencumbered body surpasses the needs of the unborn. When I talk about life, I only refer to those humans who have successfully exited the womb, not those who are still gestating and only vaguely human. Once we agree on what “life” is, and the scientists have done a great job with several usable definitions, it becomes a matter of science to determine who lives and can who can die, because it’s not like the unborn are conscious. They have no soul as you have no soul because scientists cannot measure a soul with their powerful instruments. When a strong and independent woman aborts her unborn baby, the baby probably doesn’t even know it’s being sucked up into a vacuum tube to be used in anti-aging creams, food additives, and future vaccines that keep people like me alive. So yes, when I get injected with a coronavirus vaccine, I will also receive “nanograms of DNA fragments” from tiny fetuses. They die so that I can live.

I see the face mask serving as a beautiful new beginning of eliminating death for the true living. I wouldn’t dare suggest that we wear goggles and helmets and wrap ourselves in a protective plastic bubble (unless the scientists tell me that’s a good idea), but coronavirus has awakened us to how dangerous the world really is. At the minimum, we should ban guns, since guns are solely used to take away life, but at the same time let’s not be racist by attempting to defend ourselves against gun-wielding minorities and Marxists who want to kill evil whitey (I suppose evil really does exist!). Everyone is equal, but some lives are more equal than others because of the unequalness that happened in the past. Let us not stop the efforts of the mob to address the historical wrongs of white privilege and colonialism through righteous looting and shooting.

I like exerting power over others

I’ve never had much power in my life. I was never in the position where I could levy a command upon someone and they had to immediately obey me, but now that I’m on the right side of history—and it must be the right side since all institutions happen to believe in what I believe—I can accost people in public who aren’t wearing the face mask by yelling in their faces, and no one dares to stop me. I have the moral high ground because mayors and governors have enacted ordinances, which I’m sure are constitutional legal, that mandate their use. I’m on the side of law and justice. I’m saving lives.

Let me tell you a story from the other day. I was in the supermarket and I saw an ugly bearded man shopping without a mask. He looked like a Trump supporter and an anti-Semite. Immediately I went up to him and yelled as loud as I could: “Put on your face mask! You’re putting other people at risk! I’m immunocompromised because I experimented with my sexuality when I was younger!” He didn’t hear me, so I got even closer, and repeated myself until my voice went raw. He still didn’t comply so I ran to the manager. The manager found the killer—for that’s what he is—and made him put on a mask. What a rush! I exerted my will over him and it felt great because usually no one would ever listen to me. I’m so thankful that I have this power over other people to save lives. Who knows how many people would have died if the idiot didn’t put on his mask. It has gotten to the point where I so enjoy exercising my newfound powers that I go to the shops much more often than before.


I hate people who don’t wear a face mask. They represent all that is wrong with the world—anti-scientific viewpoints, belief in a God whose existence can’t be proven through infallible science, and the exaggerated concern for the unborn over people like me who are actually alive. These transgressors go around, without their masks, infecting untold numbers of people with malicious intent (the Black Lives Matter protesters burning down cities do not at all possess malicious intent). If only we could somehow get rid of these people, the world would be a better place. Until then, I will do my part in preserving and cherishing human life by wearing my face mask at all times and screaming at those who don’t while hoping they would just drop dead. I will give a big smile every time I make this world a better place by forcing a racist to put on a mask, and the only shame of it all is that no one will see my joy, because I always wear the mask.

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Are you getting any backlash from those on the right that cannot figure out its satire? Or, agreement from those on the left? For me, it's quite obvious it's satire, but I have realized (unfortunately), that recognizing irony is not something the average person is capable of doing.


Gold Member
It's a great article. This fake pandemic has woken a lot of people up though.
As a personal anecdote, I'm an anti-vaxxer. I don't vaccinate my kids. A close family member always got into heated arguments about this topic with me. I would try to rationally convince them, but they never seemed to actually listen to what I was saying. Since this pandemic has been so ham-fisted, they were able to see through the lies fairly easily. Then, they asked me to go over my anti-vax reasons again. Now they are ant-vax and anti-covid hoax. I've also seen it with liberals even. They've started to question the media more. Of course, you have your die hard Covid-Cultists. These are people who are with the "Regime" until we either prevail, the Regime prevails, or a kind of mixed scenario where America devolves into chaos without a clear knock out punch by either side.

I don't push my views on vaccines on people in my personal life. I very mildly active on the internet. But it's really amazing how the pro-vax propaganda is similar to the Covid-Hoax propaganda. All emotional, no rebutting of the opposing side, just strawmanning and name calling.

The family member who switched sides even came to that conclusion on their own. "Well, if these "doctors" are so callously pushing a fake pandemic that's ruining millions of lives while no one (statistically) is actually getting hurt from this, it's not to far of a stretch they would push increased vaccines on the schedule with no thought for childrens safety on the basis of receiving more money from big pharma".

Anyway, there is some encouragement in normie land. Everyone should become a prepper though. The waters are choppy and we could carry on in a weird slow decline of quality of living for a few years or a sudden dollar crisis or stock market crisis could result in bare food shelves within weeks.


Fantastic post. Thank you Roosh for writing it up!

"I like exerting power over others.
I’ve never had much power in my life. I was never in the position where I could levy a command upon someone and they had to immediately obey me, but now that I’m on the right side of history—and it must be the right side since all institutions happen to believe in what I believe—I can accost people in public who aren’t wearing the face mask by yelling in their faces, and no one dares to stop me. I have the moral high ground because mayors and governors have enacted ordinances, which I’m sure are constitutional legal, that mandate their use. I’m on the side of law and justice. I’m saving lives.

I was at the gym earlier today and thought about this before reading the article. I've tended to notice that the people who advocate the most for the masks are those types of people who lack power over their lives. This comment I feel hits the nail on the head. I feel these types of people get a cheap rush every time they enforce the 'rules'. I don't believe it's genuine power, but rather force. Force needs to be imposed, while power remains true and unshakable. (this was inspired by Power vs Force - David Hawkins)


JP Sears did a similar video about how to be more afraid that pissed a lot of people off.

I also was working out at an open air body-weight gym near me (we've got a few set up in and around parks in my area). I noticed that nobody there had a mask on.
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