Wife problems weighing VERY heavily on me

Sword

Sparrow
Hey guys, I come before you humbly because I am near the end of my rope as to what to do with my wife in our situation. Our story didnt have good beginnings which is likely why the problems exist today. It started fine enough, she was much younger (early 20s when I was early 30s), submissive, sexy, passionate, great cook. We dated for almost a year, and she stuck out from all the previous trash I dated. An accidentally condom break (and 9 months) later we had a kid, which was a huge stress on her and partly something she never seemed to recover out of. Years since (we are going on 5) our relationship never really recovered. It always seemed like one thing after another would come up and be a big deal, sexual trauma from her past, abuse in the family, this and that, all 'real' issues, but things she never processed or even let go. I understand the whole honeymoon, but I'd say it often rarely gets above tepid. Sexually, she is near frozen, and has long been a constant complaint of mine - though now I realize its merely a marker of other issues. She has crippling depression and self esteem issues; this along with a bad origin family (her mom wore the pants) she sees any advice I try to give her as controlling/hostile.

I feel like I can mostly give up on the passion, and settle for a 'dead bed' type relationship if it was not for how useless of a mother she generally is. This is a hard thing to write. She breast fed our kid the first year to her credit, but is so unbelievably hands off, I have had to step (awkwardly) into the role of being the nurturer. This last year especially, is it not a joke to say I did 90% of the parent duties. She had been going to school these last 4 years for medical, and likely could get a pretty decent job, but there has been a lot of latent resentment in me towards her for how much I have footed the entire bill and the general lack of gratitude towards me. (Beta bux evidently). The last year, I had a fair amount of money saved up from my STEM job, and needed to career change to something that actually might make more then 40-50k a year into perpetuity. So I watch our kid 90% of the time (shes too 'tired'/'sick'/studying to do it) and somehow study myself for career change, specifically IT certs. It was an incredibly long and hard road to hoe.

Earlier this year I drug her into counseling (ironic its usually the other way around) and it seemed like we were making some progress and coming together. We had a lot of good times and I think maybe we have turned a corner. We both always wanted a big family, she hops off birth control, and of course ends up pregnant within a month. It doesnt take long for old patterns to re-emerge and our relationship trajectory angles down once again.

In my life I have been trying to be the best I can. I lift weights 5x a week, recently hit a great PR on bench press, desirable by women when we head out and all that. All my studying paid off and I lucked (by the grace of God) my way into an incredible remote IT job with great pay. I am happy, but my women is very 'meh' about the whole thing. The thing that really makes me worried, is again, remember I am the primary care taker due to her laziness, that means I am up at 630 or 7am feeding/playing with our kid. My job starts soon and I have told her 'You need to be ready for this' and she just says she plans on sleeping in or using the tv to babysit.

Needless to say, I have a lot of anger towards her. Without a kid (and another coming) together I would have left this behavior a long time ago, yet now I feel 'duty-bound' to my kids. I feel trapped in short. I used to be desperate for sex or attention from her, but I just feel so much resentment towards her now it scares me. I honestly feel like she is near completely dead weight. She is almost done with her school, but I want her to just stay home and raise kid 1 and 2 on the way, but there is little evidence she can do that effectively.

I love my kid, but in dark truth the pregnancy really put my life on a trajectory that I have not been happy with for a long time,, largely due to what I perceive her massive shortcomings to be. I have tried to improve it, and really tried my best, but now feels like things are going to get even worse. The irony is so bad, because with a great remote job, and me offering to just let her stay home with the kids it should be perfect - yet its not. Here I am a week away from my job wondering if she will actually wake up and take care of our kid, and what do I do if my kid is saying 'daddy im hungry!" when I am 'at work'.

Thanks guys if you read this and can offer me anything.
 

kamoz

Kingfisher
Gold Member
I’m sorry man. Your situation is a poor one that unfortunately many men have to deal with nowadays.

A child should be the light of a mother’s life. It’s a very bad sign when she is not laser focused on their well being and does not make them her first priority. Kudos to you for being a great dad and stepping up.

I don’t know what denomination you are, but regardless - the religious advice would be to try and work things out with her. In addition to divorce not being permitted or at least frowned upon, it’s rough on the kids too and complicates things with step dads, step moms, visitation, and of course emotional trauma.

The practical advice however is to get out of the relationship - so divorce. It seems evident by your post that you view this relationship as unworkable. Consider the kids and if you want primary custody of them. If so, talk to a lawyer or someone that you know that’s familiar with divorce law to maximize your chances of success. If you’re ok with her having primary custody (and she wants it) then no problem. But if you do want and manage to get custody, consider your support network, like moving near your parents or family or anyone else that can help. Then rock that single dad lifestyle. And don’t break anymore condoms with someone you’re not sure you wanna be with.

Last but not least, pray for guidance.
 

Sword

Sparrow
I pray every day.
One of my main questions to the men here, is has anyone 'turned it around', especially when in so deep? It is frustrating, as I feel like I should be at the top of my game here with a great new job and being fit, yet at home a women who barely wants to kiss me.

I have my own problems I need to work on, my dad was a bit of a womanizer / playboy (dont think he ever cheated) but I got blue pilled hard from my mom to 'not be like him' and as a result was way too sacrificing (as evidenced even now) and its hard for me to even consider divorce as I would feel selfish.
 

Parmesan

Woodpecker
Hey guys, I come before you humbly because I am near the end of my rope as to what to do with my wife in our situation. Our story didnt have good beginnings which is likely why the problems exist today. It started fine enough, she was much younger (early 20s when I was early 30s), submissive, sexy, passionate, great cook. We dated for almost a year, and she stuck out from all the previous trash I dated. An accidentally condom break (and 9 months) later we had a kid, which was a huge stress on her and partly something she never seemed to recover out of. Years since (we are going on 5) our relationship never really recovered. It always seemed like one thing after another would come up and be a big deal, sexual trauma from her past, abuse in the family, this and that, all 'real' issues, but things she never processed or even let go. I understand the whole honeymoon, but I'd say it often rarely gets above tepid. Sexually, she is near frozen, and has long been a constant complaint of mine - though now I realize its merely a marker of other issues. She has crippling depression and self esteem issues; this along with a bad origin family (her mom wore the pants) she sees any advice I try to give her as controlling/hostile.

I feel like I can mostly give up on the passion, and settle for a 'dead bed' type relationship if it was not for how useless of a mother she generally is. This is a hard thing to write. She breast fed our kid the first year to her credit, but is so unbelievably hands off, I have had to step (awkwardly) into the role of being the nurturer. This last year especially, is it not a joke to say I did 90% of the parent duties. She had been going to school these last 4 years for medical, and likely could get a pretty decent job, but there has been a lot of latent resentment in me towards her for how much I have footed the entire bill and the general lack of gratitude towards me. (Beta bux evidently). The last year, I had a fair amount of money saved up from my STEM job, and needed to career change to something that actually might make more then 40-50k a year into perpetuity. So I watch our kid 90% of the time (shes too 'tired'/'sick'/studying to do it) and somehow study myself for career change, specifically IT certs. It was an incredibly long and hard road to hoe.

Earlier this year I drug her into counseling (ironic its usually the other way around) and it seemed like we were making some progress and coming together. We had a lot of good times and I think maybe we have turned a corner. We both always wanted a big family, she hops off birth control, and of course ends up pregnant within a month. It doesnt take long for old patterns to re-emerge and our relationship trajectory angles down once again.

In my life I have been trying to be the best I can. I lift weights 5x a week, recently hit a great PR on bench press, desirable by women when we head out and all that. All my studying paid off and I lucked (by the grace of God) my way into an incredible remote IT job with great pay. I am happy, but my women is very 'meh' about the whole thing. The thing that really makes me worried, is again, remember I am the primary care taker due to her laziness, that means I am up at 630 or 7am feeding/playing with our kid. My job starts soon and I have told her 'You need to be ready for this' and she just says she plans on sleeping in or using the tv to babysit.

Needless to say, I have a lot of anger towards her. Without a kid (and another coming) together I would have left this behavior a long time ago, yet now I feel 'duty-bound' to my kids. I feel trapped in short. I used to be desperate for sex or attention from her, but I just feel so much resentment towards her now it scares me. I honestly feel like she is near completely dead weight. She is almost done with her school, but I want her to just stay home and raise kid 1 and 2 on the way, but there is little evidence she can do that effectively.

I love my kid, but in dark truth the pregnancy really put my life on a trajectory that I have not been happy with for a long time,, largely due to what I perceive her massive shortcomings to be. I have tried to improve it, and really tried my best, but now feels like things are going to get even worse. The irony is so bad, because with a great remote job, and me offering to just let her stay home with the kids it should be perfect - yet its not. Here I am a week away from my job wondering if she will actually wake up and take care of our kid, and what do I do if my kid is saying 'daddy im hungry!" when I am 'at work'.

Thanks guys if you read this and can offer me anything.
I don’t have the same situation, but I’ve dealt with way too many BPD women in my life.

I’d say start documenting the more egregious things in a discreet text file on your computer (you know, while you are “working”). Hate to say it, but if SHTF you will at least have some documentation to back yourself up to the authorities/court.

Have her looks faded? I suspect she got prego to keep you locked in with a toddler for several more years, maybe she feared you were warming up to the idea of leaving, especially with your higher income.

I’m assuming you are in the US, so I’m really not sure what you can do other than make appeals to her family or anyone that could influence her. Unfortunately I’d say the best you can do is be prepared if she ever tries to take your kids away in a divorce, maybe find a lawyer you can consult to make sure your ducks are in order if the time comes.

Married men can probably give better advice, but frankly I’m pretty black pilled, and I think trying to do best for your kids is probably your best focus, and simply managing the inevitable BPD rollercoaster of your wife will be a sacrifice for them. Maybe the D word is on the table for you, but frankly, I’d be concerned about the wellbeing of the kids when she has them.
 

kamoz

Kingfisher
Gold Member
Parmesan is pretty much on the money.

It depends on what your definition of “turning it around” is. If it’s a normal relationship, she sexually desires you regularly, makes the kids her priority, expresses her love to all of you regularly….the chances of that are slim to none. You have described your relationship passing the point of no return. It’s a thing.

There are marriages where, for instance, one party cheated on the other and they stayed married. What do you think that looks like? It’s an obligatory marriage for the sake of the kids. It’s cold. But it is what it is. That is your other option, to give you an idea. Sorry to black pill, but I’m being realistic.
 

Sword

Sparrow
She can be good at times, and I hope that somewhere deep in there is that sexy, fun girl I knew. She still can cook a great meal on occasion. I mostly am just really lonely, and unsure what to do in my situation. My intent isnt to be like 'what a witch', more like 'this situation is really bad, how do I fix it'?
 

Joseph.b

Chicken
Obviously you need to pave your own path spiritually, but I think you could see great benefit if it would be at all possible for you and you're family to attend a traditional church. For myself (catholic), the traditional latin mass has, beside abundant spiritual benefits, brought forth the most wonderful community of individuals and families striving to grow in virtue. Being surrounded by that, even though we all have evident problems, everyone is helping to raise each other through Christ. I could, without great difficulty, imagine your wife being influenced by a community such as this, especially because it allows her the freedom to grow in virtue without being told (it appears she would be vehemently opposed to your suggestions).

At any rate, it's an unfortunate situation, but we pray you can make it work. Whatever struggles you face, it's part of God's plan to forge you into a saint
 
Brother, that's a very hard situation to be in. I'm glad that you have the strength to carry the situation on your back, but you know that eventually you won't be able to do it, at least not without serious health issues.

I was never married, so I don't have personal experience, but I would face the problem head on.

Tell her exactly how you feel: You're not pulling your weight, I'm the one who cares for our child, provides for us, does the housework and I'm unable to do everything on my own. We need to resolve these issues, since I won't be able to live like this for long. You really need to get to the bottom of the issue, she has to honestly explain what's happening and you have to evaluate is it fixable or not, with a cool head.

If she says "I'm depressed" or something like that - what are you doing to resolve the issue and how can I help with it, since I want you to get better? Don't take vague answers, explain the severity of situation and her responsibilities as a wife and a mother. Reinstate that you will be unable to function like that, she has to understand that the marriage will not work if she doesn't change. Explain that you have many options, but you love her as your wife and mother of your children and that you will help her any way you can. She has to understand that you're coming from a position of love, but also disappointment.

She's your wife and you probably love her still, try to help her as best as you can, but if she doesn't cooperate, you have to make very difficult decisions. As for how to resolve the issue, if she's not religious, simply forget the religious path. I know that this will be considered a bad advice, but you will not turn a non-religious, depressed woman to prayer and God. When she starts her recovery, you can work on introducing religion into her life, step by step. I'd get her to speak to a serious psychotherapist or psychiatrist, preferably one who understands the transpersonal and is a Christian. I know that many people dislike anti-depressants and medication in general, but I've personally had friends who's lives were turned around with minimal or moderate doses of medication, and they had very little to no side effects.

May the Lord assist you in saving your marriage, I hope your wife recovers and that the fire of love gets rekindled again.

God bless
 
You blame your problems on the pregnancy but the original sin was premarital sex in the first place, Roosh touches on this in his latest article on not experimenting with sex. Your issues make it sound like this was a bad person to have a kid with at all, of course most girls are fun and sexy when there are no real responsibilities to deal with. There's no easy answer to your dilemma, it doesn't sound like you have a spiritual life that involves regular church attendance with your family, I don't see this surviving without that. Birth control and condoms also have no place in either Catholic or Orthodox families, it's a distortion of God's gift of sexual reproduction, you tried to trick nature and nature found a way. You have a kid so you are owning that responsibility, good, for their sake it would be good for you two to stay together. I wouldn't expect anything from this woman beyond what you've seen so far, you made a bad choice for a mate, a fair-weather fling with no maternal qualities.

My advice is to keep working hard for your and your children's sake, ignore her and it will probably increase her attraction to you. Stop trying to motivate her or solve her problems, even women without mental problems hate that stuff. Don't expect her to change at all and frankly I'd stop having sex until you are in accord with Christian teachings on sex. A period of strict celibacy may be the best medicine at this apparently dire stage. I will pray for you and your family.
 

tractor

Woodpecker
Orthodox
I feel like I can mostly give up on the passion, and settle for a 'dead bed' type relationship if it was not for how useless of a mother she generally is. This is a hard thing to write. She breast fed our kid the first year to her credit, but is so unbelievably hands off, I have had to step (awkwardly) into the role of being the nurturer. This last year especially, is it not a joke to say I did 90% of the parent duties. She had been going to school these last 4 years for medical, and likely could get a pretty decent job, but there has been a lot of latent resentment in me towards her for how much I have footed the entire bill and the general lack of gratitude towards me. (Beta bux evidently). The last year, I had a fair amount of money saved up from my STEM job, and needed to career change to something that actually might make more then 40-50k a year into perpetuity. So I watch our kid 90% of the time (shes too 'tired'/'sick'/studying to do it) and somehow study myself for career change, specifically IT certs. It was an incredibly long and hard road to hoe.

That's called being a parent. Being in a committed relationship/marriage already means that neither the man nor the woman is the center of the world. When the kids come into the equation, you're personal goals, life style etc get harder and harder to realize.

You say she doesn't show gratitude. Are you grateful?
You say she's resentful. Are you sure you don't ever show any resentment over your doing "90% of the parent duties"?

I do most of the parenting before and after work. Is it hard? Yes. Would I like to do something for myself (studying, reading, lifting, recording music)? Oh yeah. But it's just impossible if you:

a) don't want to send your kids to reeducation camps aka kidnergarten
b) you don't live close to your parents or other close relatives who can help out

In my life I have been trying to be the best I can. I lift weights 5x a week, recently hit a great PR on bench press, desirable by women when we head out and all that. All my studying paid off and I lucked (by the grace of God) my way into an incredible remote IT job with great pay. I am happy, but my women is very 'meh' about the whole thing.

Sounds like you lift 5x a week to impress other women and yourself. I wonder why you wife is "meh" about the whole thing... I'm sorry if it comes across as mean or something but why did you decide that your value to your woman is determined by how many looks you get from other women?

You should drop this mindset.
Look, as you describe it, you do a fantastic job as a father doing a lot of parenting and being a bread winner. Great, just don't be angry at your wife for being lazy. Find some time for occasional hugs. Women love that.

In fact, my wife sometimes seemed angry if I was very busy with my kid and totally forgot to talk to her, kiss her or ask what's on her mind. Then I too got a bit aggressive, told her she didn't appreciate my help and so on. But the truth is that as a father/husband you should learn how to balance these two (sometimes) conflicting responsibilites.

Needless to say, I have a lot of anger towards her. Without a kid (and another coming) together I would have left this behavior a long time ago, yet now I feel 'duty-bound' to my kids. I feel trapped in short. I used to be desperate for sex or attention from her, but I just feel so much resentment towards her now it scares me. I honestly feel like she is near completely dead weight. She is almost done with her school, but I want her to just stay home and raise kid 1 and 2 on the way, but there is little evidence she can do that effectively.

I love my kid, but in dark truth the pregnancy really put my life on a trajectory that I have not been happy with for a long time,, largely due to what I perceive her massive shortcomings to be. I have tried to improve it, and really tried my best, but now feels like things are going to get even worse. The irony is so bad, because with a great remote job, and me offering to just let her stay home with the kids it should be perfect - yet its not. Here I am a week away from my job wondering if she will actually wake up and take care of our kid, and what do I do if my kid is saying 'daddy im hungry!" when I am 'at work'.

Thanks guys if you read this and can offer me anything.

This part sounds a bit worse although I'd be cautious with giving you "give dat momma 40 lashes" kinda advise. Because I'm still not sure if you tell the whole story. Like, you haven't ever mentioned anything good about her after she stopped breastfeeding. Is everything bad or do you only see bad?

Also, you don't refer to "her" as "wife". Aren't you married?
 

rainy

Kingfisher
I don't think we're hearing the full story. Something doesn't add up here.

Example A: You say you're about to start a wonderful job and your wife should be happy staying home and caring for your kid. In theory I agree. But you also say not only has your wife been going to school for medical for four years and is studying all the time, but also you resent not receiving enough gratitude for footing the bill! You literally are paying for your wife to study for her career as she's pregnant with child number two.

The only reason you pay for that kind of college education is if you're investing in the person's career in that field. She's probably thought for years that you're supporting her studying for a career and now all the sudden you're pulling that rug out from under her at the end of her studies. I don't like mothers working but that isn't the point. You backed the expectation she would have a career. And you chose that over her fully accepting the role of stay at home mom with your first.

So it seems to me which one of you will have a career and who will raise the child and what the expectations are, have been confused for years. You're not on the same page.

I was very clear with my wife when we became a family. I will make the largest investment of my life to buy a company and you can stay home, take care of the home and do your best helping raise our children. And we were both fully onboard with it. Even if finances get real tight we stick to our plan because we're sacrificing for our children.

Which brings me to, the time you're putting into breaking PR's in the gym and trying to get attention from other women to validate yourself could otherwise be used creating time and memories with your family. I didn't say don't work out. But you appear to be working out to break PR's and get looks from women when you have a family at home which needs improving.

And why are you having a second child if you feel this way about her? And her feeling like crap might just be part of her....being pregnant. My wife wasn't herself at times during her pregnancies. Actually her 2nd one was very tough so I did step in and take more care of our first child.

You know, I disagree with some in here. I think as the head of a household, husband and father, you shoulder great responsibility for the general tone and wellbeing of everyone in your household. If your wife is a depressed, lazy mess, I would consider thinking very hard about the environment you helped create. That's the God's honest, cold, hard truth. You want your children to be excited when they wake up for the day as you also want for your wife. Go on family outings. Go the park. Go to the beach. Play in the park together. Go to the zoo. Create a family unit which enjoy spending time together and looks forward to the weekends. Build momentum.
 
Hey guys, I come before you humbly because I am near the end of my rope as to what to do with my wife in our situation. Our story didnt have good beginnings which is likely why the problems exist today. It started fine enough, she was much younger (early 20s when I was early 30s), submissive, sexy, passionate, great cook. We dated for almost a year, and she stuck out from all the previous trash I dated. An accidentally condom break (and 9 months) later we had a kid, which was a huge stress on her and partly something she never seemed to recover out of. Years since (we are going on 5) our relationship never really recovered. It always seemed like one thing after another would come up and be a big deal, sexual trauma from her past, abuse in the family, this and that, all 'real' issues, but things she never processed or even let go. I understand the whole honeymoon, but I'd say it often rarely gets above tepid. Sexually, she is near frozen, and has long been a constant complaint of mine - though now I realize its merely a marker of other issues. She has crippling depression and self esteem issues; this along with a bad origin family (her mom wore the pants) she sees any advice I try to give her as controlling/hostile.

I feel like I can mostly give up on the passion, and settle for a 'dead bed' type relationship if it was not for how useless of a mother she generally is. This is a hard thing to write. She breast fed our kid the first year to her credit, but is so unbelievably hands off, I have had to step (awkwardly) into the role of being the nurturer. This last year especially, is it not a joke to say I did 90% of the parent duties. She had been going to school these last 4 years for medical, and likely could get a pretty decent job, but there has been a lot of latent resentment in me towards her for how much I have footed the entire bill and the general lack of gratitude towards me. (Beta bux evidently). The last year, I had a fair amount of money saved up from my STEM job, and needed to career change to something that actually might make more then 40-50k a year into perpetuity. So I watch our kid 90% of the time (shes too 'tired'/'sick'/studying to do it) and somehow study myself for career change, specifically IT certs. It was an incredibly long and hard road to hoe.

Earlier this year I drug her into counseling (ironic its usually the other way around) and it seemed like we were making some progress and coming together. We had a lot of good times and I think maybe we have turned a corner. We both always wanted a big family, she hops off birth control, and of course ends up pregnant within a month. It doesnt take long for old patterns to re-emerge and our relationship trajectory angles down once again.

In my life I have been trying to be the best I can. I lift weights 5x a week, recently hit a great PR on bench press, desirable by women when we head out and all that. All my studying paid off and I lucked (by the grace of God) my way into an incredible remote IT job with great pay. I am happy, but my women is very 'meh' about the whole thing. The thing that really makes me worried, is again, remember I am the primary care taker due to her laziness, that means I am up at 630 or 7am feeding/playing with our kid. My job starts soon and I have told her 'You need to be ready for this' and she just says she plans on sleeping in or using the tv to babysit.

Needless to say, I have a lot of anger towards her. Without a kid (and another coming) together I would have left this behavior a long time ago, yet now I feel 'duty-bound' to my kids. I feel trapped in short. I used to be desperate for sex or attention from her, but I just feel so much resentment towards her now it scares me. I honestly feel like she is near completely dead weight. She is almost done with her school, but I want her to just stay home and raise kid 1 and 2 on the way, but there is little evidence she can do that effectively.

I love my kid, but in dark truth the pregnancy really put my life on a trajectory that I have not been happy with for a long time,, largely due to what I perceive her massive shortcomings to be. I have tried to improve it, and really tried my best, but now feels like things are going to get even worse. The irony is so bad, because with a great remote job, and me offering to just let her stay home with the kids it should be perfect - yet its not. Here I am a week away from my job wondering if she will actually wake up and take care of our kid, and what do I do if my kid is saying 'daddy im hungry!" when I am 'at work'.

Thanks guys if you read this and can offer me anything.
Some people understand that there is no greater honor than the beautiful struggle of raising a child. You are obviously a good father and husband.

What follows below is not for the faint of heart . . .

"No-one loves me. No-one is going to feed me." Those are the last words of a 6-year-old boy in England named Arthur Labinjo-Hughes. Arthur died on June 17, 2020. His evil parents - Thomas Hughes and Emma Tustin - slowly tortured him to death.

If you are brave enough to stare into the face of evil, the DailyMail has a video of the young boy struggling with his horrible circumstances in the moments leading up to his murder.


There are pictures of his parents - Thomas and Emma - too. They look like everyone else, but are the tailless animals of nightmares.

Bringing up what happened to Arthur after your post is a dramatic frame, but the stakes are high when raising children.

All good solutions come from good questions. Here are some questions which I hope get to the heart of the problem; What do you believe would happen to your children if you were not present? Would your wife reveal herself to be a tailless animal or merely apathetic? Is your wife lazy or has she succumbed to the constant bombardment of psychologically manipulative propaganda all western people are exposed to? What more can you do to help her while also helping your children? Is there family that can help? How important is sex to you?

Wish there were easy answers. One overriding truth is that you and your children deserve the opportunity to be with a loving wife . . . one who's first reaction upon reading the DailyMail article and seeing the video would be to scoop up that kid and save him.
 
I'm not married and I don't have a family, but here's my two cents.

Maybe your wife wants to be a stay at home mother? You're making good money after all! Maybe she's making life difficult for you so you "throw in the towel" and ask her to become a homemaker? Maybe she's too proud to admit that the whole career thing is not for her (especially after you footed the bill for her course)? To paraphrase that Billy Joel song concerning women - "she never admits she's wrong, she just changes her mind". Maybe she got pregnant the second time as she was hoping that you might finally get the message? Males tend to communicate directly, whereas females communicate indirectly.

I will say a prayer that your situation gets resolved.
 

Sword

Sparrow
Can you describe your spiritual life and what you have requested to God in order to alleviate your family problem.
My spiritual life has been important to me, I pray nearly every day. When we dated she was not religious at all, and despite my attempts to try to get her into spiritual stuff she generally hasn't been interested beyond some superficial stuff. Happy to say I am leading more nightly prayers and it seems to be going over good.

I realize a huge problem is her lack of good female guidance, mixed with a very stubborn hard-headedness, mixed with horrendous self image/confidence.

My own life has not been 100% dialed in, so I can take blame as women without a guide largely can't be expected to make good decisions on their own. Its just really frustrating when I am trying to make things better for our whole family and not having her dialed in. I don't want to bash her, mostly looking for strength and advice for myself to be strong in this situation. She had a lot of problems in her past with her family with some issues of incest (not her directly) that she has a hard time working through and doesnt want to confront.


@michael no, not technically married. We have been engaged for a while and she wanted to finish school first before she wanted to get married. We are set to be officially sometime early next year since she finishes soon. Yes I realize its a problem, its been an ongoing issue. Its another issue I am fully aware of.
 
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DanielH

Ostrich
Orthodox
Sounds like things are going to continue being bad at least until you get married. But also I would pray twice a day minimum, morning and evening, not including mealtime. Someone I know was told by their priest that even though they prayed every evening, he, the priest, was very concerned that this person didn't also pray in the morning.

When you give due respect to what is higher than you in the hierarchy, in this case, God and the Church*, those beneath you in the hierarchy, your woman, should see that and follow suit in giving you more respect likewise. Then your children will see a functional hierarchy and will become better-adjusted people.

*I'm not sure which Church you are in or considering but definitely get married within a church, as marriage comes from God, not the government.
 

Roosh

Cardinal
Orthodox
My spiritual life has been important to me, I pray nearly every day. When we dated she was not religious at all, and despite my attempts to try to get her into spiritual stuff she generally hasn't been interested beyond some superficial stuff. Happy to say I am leading more nightly prayers and it seems to be going over good.

I realize a huge problem is her lack of good female guidance, mixed with a very stubborn hard-headedness, mixed with horrendous self image/confidence.

My own life has not been 100% dialed in, so I can take blame as women without a guide largely can't be expected to make good decisions on their own. Its just really frustrating when I am trying to make things better for our whole family and not having her dialed in. I don't want to bash her, mostly looking for strength and advice for myself to be strong in this situation. She had a lot of problems in her past with her family with some issues of incest (not her directly) that she has a hard time working through and doesnt want to confront.


@michael no, not technically married. We have been engaged for a while and she wanted to finish school first before she wanted to get married. We are set to be officially sometime early next year since she finishes soon. Yes I realize its a problem, its been an ongoing issue. Its another issue I am fully aware of.
How about your wife's spiritual life?
 

MichaelWitcoff

Hummingbird
Orthodox
@michael no, not technically married. We have been engaged for a while and she wanted to finish school first before she wanted to get married. We are set to be officially sometime early next year since she finishes soon. Yes I realize its a problem, its been an ongoing issue. Its another issue I am fully aware of.
So in other words, this entire thread is “living in mortal sin isn’t working out and granting me the peace and joy I long for. What can I do differently?”

You already know the answer. Be chaste until you’re married, and live a God-pleasing life to the best of your ability and circumstances. If you “lead nightly prayers” and then lead her into sin moments later, all you’re communicating is that God and your faith are not important or worth taking seriously. Every time you do that, it chips away at your leadership and her perception that you’re worth following.
 

Elicola

Pigeon
I did 90% of the parent duties. She had been going to school these last 4 years for medical, and likely could get a pretty decent job, but there has been a lot of latent resentment in me towards her for how much I have footed the entire bill and the general lack of gratitude towards me. (Beta bux evidently). The last year, I had a fair amount of money saved up from my STEM job, and needed to career change to something that actually might make more then 40-50k a year into perpetuity. So I watch our kid 90% of the time (shes too 'tired'/'sick'/studying to do it) and somehow study myself for career change, specifically IT certs. It was an incredibly long and hard road to hoe.

She is almost done with her school, but I want her to just stay home and raise kid 1 and 2 on the way, but there is little evidence she can do that effectively.

We have been engaged for a while and she wanted to finish school first before she wanted to get married. We are set to be officially sometime early next year since she finishes soon. ... Its another issue I am fully aware of.

It is obviously a major problem when your partner does not share religious views. You can't contain your resentment for 18 years, and the kids will feel it. You need to talk with your priest or pastor.

After graduation, she will need to take a demanding medical residency. She could easily postpone the marriage until after residency, let you pay her student loans, and then dump you for an older doctor. Without a legal marriage, you are entitled to child support, but not alimony. Do not pay her student loans! She will eventually make a lot more money, and you must protect yourself (and the kids). After you talk with your priest, I suggest a precautionary talk with a lawyer.
 
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