Wife refusing sex and not enjoying it?

Ive has multiple akward conversation.dread gamed.lost weight and became fitter but No matter what she doesnt have interest in sex upp like before the marriage. She says she doesnt Enjoy it and she is happy without it.she says its painful IF i go Hard.feels nothing IF i go soft. even IF we have nothing for 3 months she doesnt care
She doesnt have a excuse as she is a house wife.no work or stress other than the child.. to the point where ive decided i Will cheat soon as ive had enough.. she is not even from the west.
There may be hormone issues, Psychological issues that come with trauma. And so forth. Needs to resolve the root cause.

No healthy woman would act this way outside of the result of Postpartum depression. Being very sexual outside of marriage but be frigid inside of marriage.
 
I've been married for several decades. This is a difficult subject since there can be a lot of variation and who knows what else. Personally I wouldn't stay with a woman if she wasn't having sex and putting in an effort. It's a fundamental part of marriage.

However, OP seems to be putting a lot of stress on this. It's hard to say if that's out of recent frustration or something else. Once a week or every other week isn't the worst I've heard. Not ideal but not horrible. I'd figure out the real issue. More trust needed? Is he going too fast or too much pressure? Could be a lot of things. More concerning are her comments.
 

Based

Sparrow
Ive has multiple akward conversation.dread gamed.lost weight and became fitter but No matter what she doesnt have interest in sex upp like before the marriage. She says she doesnt Enjoy it and she is happy without it.she says its painful IF i go Hard.feels nothing IF i go soft. even IF we have nothing for 3 months she doesnt care
She doesnt have a excuse as she is a house wife.no work or stress other than the child.. to the point where ive decided i Will cheat soon as ive had enough.. she is not even from the west.
As a rule I would advise not to divorce due to lack of sex if you have children. However, it is important to establish why she is not having sex with you anymore (relatively). Is she uninterested in sex generally or in sex with you? If it is the latter then that is a problem and a sign of contempt. Contempt destroys marriages. You also need to establish whether she is cheating on you or whether there are signs she may in future. This of course is unacceptable. If she is faithful and you have every reason to believe she will remain faithful, and is a good mother, then my advice is keep the marriage together and grow the children to adulthood. If you need sex on the side then so be it but be very careful with this especially if it is anything more than casual or paid because that can torpedo your life. Finally, I would say look into whether she has suffered some physiological trauma giving birth because that can and should be fixed and could explain her unwillingness. With that said she has to at least be willing to acknowledge this is an issue for you and work at it. If not again, is it due to contempt?
 

Oberrheiner

Pelican
After marriage, certainly not.
After kids, very probably - caring about the home is a tiring full-time job.

Try taking her somewhere romantic for a weekend or more, leave the kids at home of course, and see what happens.
Normally it should be sleep (lots of it) and sex (some of it).

If not then you have a deeper issue and I'm not qualified.
 

Mike_Key

Woodpecker
Is this inevitable in every marriage After a few years? Specially after birth? Why does this happen to most men. Should a man with kids cheat or divorce to get His needs? Splitting Up a family is not Good. Why do women hate pleasing their husband these days?

You've not given us much to work with here. Not that you want to share details but those could be helpful. Hopefully you are taking everything in and processing it - knowing her feelings and past life (if you know her past life).

As for me, some of my posts from the past speak of how me and my wife agreed to a sex challenge of 30 days and then we never stopped. We were having problems. I told her 7 days of sex a month wasn't enough, then I told her 12 days a month wasn't enough. We read a book(s) together night after night until we finished and understood ...

PM me if you want the book titles.

Anyhow, they suggested a 30 day sex challenge and presently, we have been going now for four (4) years. We've had sex over 1,100 times but who's counting.

Anyhow, she has said a couple of things:

"I didn't know you needed it this much", "I actually now enjoy it just as much as you", "I'm glad that we started this" ...

I never really cared about her mental roadblock or laziness to begin with; all I knew is that I couldn't continue to be in a marriage with little intimacy. I never played dread game but only a few times in a clueless or ham-fisted way. She saw me talking to women and she'd react. Me in my cluelessness, I'd shrug my shoulder.

Now to the point, I think her problem(s) arose from a bad childhood. But that doesn't matter ... some authors or therapists say,

"Why would you now make your husband, a good man, suffer as you did during your childhood?"

I've read where therapists advise ladies - that, if they didn't change then they'd end up divorced. Because after all, you can lead a horse, blah blah blah.

For me things are much better. For her, she is still discovering really screwed up truths from her past and from her "openly" dysfunctional family. Because someone always says every family is dysfunctional, okay sure, Lol - some families more than others and some are unashamedly dysfunctional.

Divorce isn't a great option ... also, if your wife has mental health issues look into that so as to get her some help. As others mentioned it could be a matter of hormones and personal body chemistry.

John 3:16
 
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Louis IX

Pelican
A wedding is made of ups and downs. You will have a few days arguing , a few weeks without sex , and a few weeks where everything is great.
Just hold on , wait and pass the storm , keep strong , and thing will be fine.
Small kids bring tensions in couple , and women have some disorders once they give birth.
Be strong , you are simply enjoying the reality of wedding. This is god's challenge .
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
A wedding is made of ups and downs. You will have a few days arguing , a few weeks without sex , and a few weeks where everything is great.
Just hold on , wait and pass the storm , keep strong , and thing will be fine.
Small kids bring tensions in couple , and women have some disorders once they give birth.
Be strong , you are simply enjoying the reality of wedding. This is god's challenge .
Well said.
 

Pilgrim

Pigeon
1 Corinthians 7:3-5:
"3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
 

LordTBE

Pigeon
Gold Member
I got divorced 5 years ago. Hilariously, at 24 married i had a wet dream because we didnt have sex for weeks. I been with the same girl for 3 years now and it was nothing like my marriage. I didn't have much life experience then, and i look back and think wow how crap was that marriage. Not saying you should get divorced, but maybe you should. Prepare for the very worst though, ive had it all, homeless, bankrupted, not seeing the 2 kids I have with her for months, etc etc etc If I was to do anything different, i wouldnt have married her. But i still want my kids.
 

joost

Kingfisher
If your wife ain't emptying your balls, you should get another one. Find one that's poor and make her understand that if she refuses you, you'll find another who will! Do it indirectly so you won't sound like a jerk.
If you lost interest in her, she should at least give you a daily bj to relieve your stress since you're the bread-winner.
 

Cervantes

Woodpecker
This thread is so sad. The goal of marriage isn't for "emptying your balls".

Trust God, and have a Godly marriage. You'll have enough sex, but it won't be the center, and you'll be much happier.

Those of you recommending adultery and divorce as a reasonable reaction to not having enough sex in marriage are very wrong. This will only lead to unhappiness. In my personal experience this only leads to tragedy. I had a close friend who, unhappy in his marriage embarked on a life of adultery. I did not dissuade him, and lived vicariously listening to stories of his escapades. It ended in divorce and suicide. I have since regretted not having the wisdom to advise him differently.

First some facts that should inform your thinking about this:

1. If a man is not leading, the woman will lose desire for him. When you met her probably you were leading: taking her out, choosing where you go, taking initiative. If you've stopped doing that it will definitely reduce a woman's desire.

2. Begging for sex will have the opposite effect: it lowers your value in her eyes, and will further reduce her desire.

3. Its natural for women's desire for sex to decline after she has children. Even if you do everything right ( e.g. be a proper man and in control) you're still not going to be getting as much sex as in the first few years. There is this old saying: "In the first year of marriage, every time you have sex put a penny in a jar. Every year afterward take a penny out. You will die with money in the jar." It doesn't have to be this bad - but the core of this saying is true: there will be less sex in later years. The "studies" about sex frequency (e.g. 3 times per week) come from the same people who say 10% of men are gay, and that there are more than 2 genders. These numbers are designed to make married people unsatisfied and to encourage adultery and divorce.

4. Sex is not meant to be a performance. Almost all of the mental images that people have of what sex is supposed to be like come from movies and pornography. You should not expect her to act out a porno to show you that she is "into it".


The right attitude towards sex and marriage:

Your focus as a man should be on leading and protecting your family. This includes providing for their material needs, their physical protection and their spiritual development. This is a job that God gave you to do, and which you need to do without expectation of any earthly reward. Headship is self sacrificing: your authority in the family cannot come from a place of self gratification. Any grasping for authority that comes from a selfish desire will be rejected by your family.

Sex with your wife should come from a desire for closeness and an urge to make children. It can have an element of animal release on your part - but that cannot be the core of it. She should not be just a toilet for you to relieve yourself in.

From a feeling of love and obedience she should be submitting herself to you sexually (as in all things). It should not be as a begrudging duty, but out of love and wanting to please you. That doesn't mean she has to act out a porno. She should be making herself a willing gift to you.

If you don't have authority in your marriage she cannot submit to you, or at least it will feel incongruous and phony.

If you're coming to her in the right way: has head of the family, with more than just selfish desire for release, but with love and a desire for children, then she should be giving herself to you willingly. If she's not doing that then she's in the wrong - but even if she's in the wrong - it does not absolve you of your responsibilities as a husband.

The natural order is for you to be head of the family. It is an asymmetrical relationship: you are in authority over her. Marriage is mutually self sacrificing: you sacrifice for her, and she for you. But since you are in authority - you are required to sacrifice more.

The natural order is that parents are in authority over the children - and parents sacrifice themselves for their children much more than vice versa. Likewise the husband, being in authority over the wife, out of love, sacrifices himself for her - more than she must for him. Just as Christ, out of love for us sacrifices himself for us much more than we can sacrifice for him.
 

Jamal D

Robin
Been married when I was 23, but we didn`t even get through the honeymoon period before we split. Too young, too much noise.

Anyways... I can`t give you any theological based advise, but I would personally up my game a lot.

I would make sure I was the absolute best version I could be. Take gym, diet and style very serious from now on, and she will notice that change and start asking question. Hopefully she will start to smell the fire building just from that.

I believe a woman who does not feel she has to fight for you to keep you, married or not, will never reach her own potential. Woman are extremely competitive, especially with other woman, so do not rob them of this drive.

If cheating goes against your religious beliefs, then don`t do it. I don`t see any reason in holding a faith, but treat it like window shopping when it comes to abiding by it.

In my experience cheating is just a slow cooking break up.
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
This thread is so sad. The goal of marriage isn't for "emptying your balls".

Trust God, and have a Godly marriage. You'll have enough sex, but it won't be the center, and you'll be much happier.

Those of you recommending adultery and divorce as a reasonable reaction to not having enough sex in marriage are very wrong. This will only lead to unhappiness. In my personal experience this only leads to tragedy. I had a close friend who, unhappy in his marriage embarked on a life of adultery. I did not dissuade him, and lived vicariously listening to stories of his escapades. It ended in divorce and suicide. I have since regretted not having the wisdom to advise him differently.

First some facts that should inform your thinking about this:

1. If a man is not leading, the woman will lose desire for him. When you met her probably you were leading: taking her out, choosing where you go, taking initiative. If you've stopped doing that it will definitely reduce a woman's desire.

2. Begging for sex will have the opposite effect: it lowers your value in her eyes, and will further reduce her desire.

3. Its natural for women's desire for sex to decline after she has children. Even if you do everything right ( e.g. be a proper man and in control) you're still not going to be getting as much sex as in the first few years. There is this old saying: "In the first year of marriage, every time you have sex put a penny in a jar. Every year afterward take a penny out. You will die with money in the jar." It doesn't have to be this bad - but the core of this saying is true: there will be less sex in later years. The "studies" about sex frequency (e.g. 3 times per week) come from the same people who say 10% of men are gay, and that there are more than 2 genders. These numbers are designed to make married people unsatisfied and to encourage adultery and divorce.

4. Sex is not meant to be a performance. Almost all of the mental images that people have of what sex is supposed to be like come from movies and pornography. You should not expect her to act out a porno to show you that she is "into it".


The right attitude towards sex and marriage:

Your focus as a man should be on leading and protecting your family. This includes providing for their material needs, their physical protection and their spiritual development. This is a job that God gave you to do, and which you need to do without expectation of any earthly reward. Headship is self sacrificing: your authority in the family cannot come from a place of self gratification. Any grasping for authority that comes from a selfish desire will be rejected by your family.

Sex with your wife should come from a desire for closeness and an urge to make children. It can have an element of animal release on your part - but that cannot be the core of it. She should not be just a toilet for you to relieve yourself in.

From a feeling of love and obedience she should be submitting herself to you sexually (as in all things). It should not be as a begrudging duty, but out of love and wanting to please you. That doesn't mean she has to act out a porno. She should be making herself a willing gift to you.

If you don't have authority in your marriage she cannot submit to you, or at least it will feel incongruous and phony.

If you're coming to her in the right way: has head of the family, with more than just selfish desire for release, but with love and a desire for children, then she should be giving herself to you willingly. If she's not doing that then she's in the wrong - but even if she's in the wrong - it does not absolve you of your responsibilities as a husband.

The natural order is for you to be head of the family. It is an asymmetrical relationship: you are in authority over her. Marriage is mutually self sacrificing: you sacrifice for her, and she for you. But since you are in authority - you are required to sacrifice more.

The natural order is that parents are in authority over the children - and parents sacrifice themselves for their children much more than vice versa. Likewise the husband, being in authority over the wife, out of love, sacrifices himself for her - more than she must for him. Just as Christ, out of love for us sacrifices himself for us much more than we can sacrifice for him.
Right on! I think generally a good sex life in marriage is the result of having a good marriage. If he is treating her right (biblical love and kindness) she is more than likely going to keep him happy. I think men often underestimate the effects of raising their voice, using bad language, watching porn, staring at other women, comparing his wife to other women, being selfish, etc...has on his wife's desire for him. She can't just do it, she has to want to do it, for the most part.
 
Do not fall for the chivalry (courtly love is abomination if I've ever seen one, founded in spiritual adultery) claptrap, the duties of husband and wife are quite clearly spelled out. Enforce these dictates, the only reason she (and for that matter you) should restrain your desires is medical.
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
And telling your wife this and expecting her to cater to her husband isn't going to work.
The biblical directive is quite clear but she isn't going to lift a finger if he is not going to treat her right.
I have had those talks with my wife since I am her head, but how I am to treat her is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
If I do that, sexual frequency is going to likely be plenty.
If I don't, it likely won't.
I also have a much younger wife. I must rely on how I treat her in every way outside of the bedroom if I expect to see any action in it.
 
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