Wife refusing sex and not enjoying it?

[Tytalus]

Two things-

1. I don't believe the narrative that women lose interest in sex after they have kids. This is obviously an attraction problem and not an age thing.

2. I don't believe his having a better attitude will change anything. Honestly if a woman is attracted to you, you can be a total dick and she will still want to have sex with you. It's obviously not an attitude thing, its an attraction thing.

1. It's a major cultural trope - I do agree there is a slow down due to less sleep when a baby wakes up the parents frequently at night. Most women are not that interested in sex the first 6 months after birth. I do agree that a guy who is doing things to maintain attraction will have a hell of a lot less problems however. (Not really disagreeing per se, I just see the situation as nuanced.)

2. Attitude is a pretty vague term and I can see how you disagree with me, but I think we're interpreting the word in different ways. A guy quite clearly has the right attitude that I'm talking about if his woman is attracted to him and having lots of sex with him. And yes, when you're charismatic and attractive to a woman you get away with a lot more egregious behavior than if you're not. I never said otherwise.

This overview video by Athol Kay breaks it down
So zamfir112has mentioned that he's fixed Steps 1 and 2, (and likely step 5) but quite clearly not 3 and 4, since he's not getting laid.

 

[trexler]

You know its absolutely sad that Call-Girls or Escorts fulfills the role of Wife better than many Wives nowadays outside of being a Mother.

It goes to show how many people in their hearts truly despise marriage and the marriage bed.

I actually think that having a mistress should be seen as... reasonable.

If your wife decides she doesn't want sex, ok. But to deny you sex at all?

Why do married women think that's reasonable?

And why are married women surprised when it drives their man to give in to temptation?

It's a horrible dynamic.

 

[infowarrior1]

I actually think that having a mistress should be seen as... reasonable.

If your wife decides she doesn't want sex, ok. But to deny you sex at all?

Why do married women think that's reasonable?

And why are married women surprised when it drives their man to give in to temptation?

It's a horrible dynamic.

No. That's adultery. And there is no room for Polygamy in Christianity.

 

[Qivar]

I actually think that having a mistress should be seen as... reasonable.

If your wife decides she doesn't want sex, ok. But to deny you sex at all?

Why do married women think that's reasonable?

And why are married women surprised when it drives their man to give in to temptation?

It's a horrible dynamic.

Your reasoning isn´t wrong, a wife denying her husband sex is something absurd and it´s appalling that this is vaguely accepted and not outright socially stigmatised.

Even still, that doesn´t justify adultry.

Marriage is for the kids, a wife starving her husband of sex is one horrible transgression but to commit adultery in response is like shooting someone with a shotgun because they punched you.

The kids will slowly lose respect of their parents and even resent them, with no proper guidance in life they become susceptible and easy pickings for other people to take advantege of.

 

[articulatecool]

EDIT: Forgot one more thing, use alcohol. Lot's of alcohol. Not for you, for her. It will both help sort out the underlying problem (in wine lies the truth as the Romans say) and it crush her inhibitions.

Are you forgetting we're talking about his wife, not some girl from the bar?

If you have to get your wife drunk so she'll have sex with you, she's hardly your wife.

 

[The_Observer]

This is more of an attraction issue.

One way of tackling this issue is as some posters have mentioned, using dread but most men severely underestimate just how much "competition anxiety" women actually suffer from.

Women are extremely competitive and one of the best ways for a man to regain his frame is to stroke this anxiety.

One of the ways which has been discussed has been:

- Let your wife see you interacting with other men / women and make sure that you interact in a way that increases your attraction for her (As per Chateau Heartiste this was called as the Jumbotron Rule).

- Change your style and clothing; women may not be as visual as men are but their sense of smell is stronger so don't hesitate to use cologne even while indoors.

Normally (not always, but usually) women having less interest in sex is a problem and if anyone says that sex is only physical and not emotional and therefore not important are deluding themselves.

A big part of the relationship between a man and a woman is the physical component in which sex plays a major role.

So if we hear anyone say that "a dwindling sex drive is natural" and that it should be accepted, know that this is simply not true.

Once a woman gets her material / provider needs met, her real nature comes out and they no longer get the tingles they once could get prior to commitment.

Because those women had no attraction in the first place.

 

[CERN]

This is a Christian forum no? Why is this thread still even here?

"Wife refusing sex and not enjoying it?" - The solution is pretty simple actually. You get faith and religion. Without you having any religion neither will she. If you aren't Christian you should get faith and married first first before having sex obviously, otherwise what are you? Just an animal?

Sex works like this man, follow these three rules and you can't go wrong:

It has to be ...

1. Marital - you have to be married.
2. Unitive - both people have to agree to wanting to have sex and it has to create a unitive bond.
3. Procreative - you need to be open to kids.

If you're missing one of those three then you're doing it wrong and probably in mortal sin.

I could hypothetically have 1. and 3. but not have #2. which is the complaint of this thread; i.e. I could be married and be open to kids but you could rape your wife. Again, you have to have all three.

As far as creating unity that's a different matter altogether and completly different thread but this thread has devoled into old PUA garbage tactics which don't do anything other than manipulate.

If you want to discuss the unitive aspects of sex within marriage that's a different thread and different discussion altogether.

@Roosh you might wanna close this thread down man. You got Chateau Heartiste wannabes talking about dread game for crying out loud. Pretty sure were done with PUA stuff here right?

 

[AdveniatRegnumTuum]

You guys do realize that adultery and having sex after you had a divorce is a mortal sin?

 

[EndlessGravity]

You get faith and religion.

A dude: "My bank account is empty and I'm drowning in debt!!!!!"
You: "Get faith and religion. Don't talk about your debt either!!!!"

This is the gist of your comment. OP's wording isn't perfect but it's a problem many men even Christian men deal with..."what do I do if my wife doesn't want to have sex with me? Will this happen after we have children?" A sexless marriage probably feels more wrong and more confusing to a modern Christian man than a non-religious one. The Bible does give some advice but so do other Christian men.

 

[AdveniatRegnumTuum]

A dude: "My bank account is empty and I'm drowning in debt!!!!!"
You: "Get faith and religion. Don't talk about your debt either!!!!"

This is the gist of your comment. OP's wording isn't perfect but it's a problem many men even Christian men deal with..."what do I do if my wife doesn't want to have sex with me? Will this happen after we have children?" A sexless marriage probably feels more wrong and more confusing to a modern Christian man than a non-religious one. The Bible does give some advice but so do other Christian men.

But you cannot deny that some of this advice leads to great sin.

 

[EndlessGravity]

But you cannot deny that some of this advice leads to great sin.

That's always true. Over the decades I've learned any advice can be twisted. This is especially true of weaker men getting advice from more grounded ones. That's how the real world works, outside the naivety, denial-ism, and watered-down faith that too many Christian men have cultivated within the church.

Christ did more than just tell people to have faith and get religion. Not only did he eat with them and cure their illnesses, he washed their feet and then chose to die for them.

 

[AdveniatRegnumTuum]

That's always true. Over the decades I've learned any advice can be twisted. This is especially true of weaker men getting advice from more grounded ones. That's how the real world works, outside the naivety, denial-ism, and watered-down faith that too many Christian men have cultivated within the church.

Christ did more than just tell people to have faith and get religion. Not only did he eat with them and cure their illnesses, he washed their feet and then chose to die for them.

It strikes me more that non-humble men are giving (unsolicited) advice that is more harmful than helpful. If you do not know exactly, then why give advice?

 

[EndlessGravity]

It strikes me more that non-humble men are giving (unsolicited) advice that is more harmful than helpful.

Then offer something better instead of trying to shut down the conversation with your scruples. Christian men are called to do this for each other.

 

[AdveniatRegnumTuum]

Then offer something better instead of trying to shut down the conversation with your scruples. Christian men are called to do this for each other.

Neither will I give advice, as it is not at all called for (either been said or I do not know better), nor am I shutting anything down. Just saying that condoning sinful behaviour, even up to the point of adultery, is not helpful as a (you said it) Christian man.

 

[CERN]

A dude: "My bank account is empty and I'm drowning in debt!!!!!"
You: "Get faith and religion. Don't talk about your debt either!!!!"

Most problems are actually solved through getting faith believe it or not. If you want the practical solution for everything you're bound to lose.

"Do not wonder at the works of a sinner, but trust in the Lord and keep at your toil; for it is easy in the sight of the Lord to enrich a poor man quickly and suddenly." - Sirach 11:21

 

[Easy_C]

1. I don't believe the narrative that women lose interest in sex after they have kids. This is obviously an attraction problem and not an age thing.

2. I don't believe his having a better attitude will change anything. Honestly if a woman is attracted to you, you can be a total dick and she will still want to have sex with you. It's obviously not an attitude thing, its an attraction thing.

my responses to points

1: They do a bit, but it’s temporary. It will generally stay slightly below where it was before any kids but it will come back fairly high. Usually it comes back fully about the time they start having a regular period post-birth.

2: Long term I think so. It’s entirely possible to piss them off enough that they won’t get turned on until they get over it but mostly they will keep sleeping with you if you’re attractive to them. Often even being moderately attractive to them but being extremely good in bed is sufficient.

 

[68RoadRunner]

Went through it. Almost divorced. Your in the danger zone and will lose everything. Here is the solution.

Find Blue pill Professor s book the 12 steps of dread and implement. It will find a solution plus make you a better man.
He has a poorly produced you tube channel packed with info.

Also, check out reddit married red pill and read the required readings. Post there, not here.

Good luck! I had to really take it up the steps to get it fixed. Hopefully you won't.

I concur. I’m halfway through the book and it is a masterpiece

 

[Gimlet]

Up to a year after giving birth, a woman's sex drive goes down, because her feminine energy is invested in rearing your child. I only speak of married people who believe that marriage is a Sacrament. Putting her energy on her child is where it is meant to be. Over a year, I would say it's time to examine and develop a paln.

 

[get2choppaaa]

Sometimes I feel like this forum is full of full blown autists. Yet here I am posting so there's that......

Of course womens sex drive suffers after child birth... but am I the only one who's heard of Irish Twins? There is a reasonable amount of time (say 3-6 Months) where a woman is not hormonally wired towards sex. That is OK. But there could be deeper issues after about 3 months post birth if some form of sexual attraction/activity isnt reciprocated at that point.

Too much longer after six months or so post birth I would begin to look at what is going wrong. Personally, I always look internally as to how I might be failing before I accuse the other person of being deficient or needing help. But I would absolutely be having the conversation that you are not getting the appropriate amount of sex with your wife and it needs to be addressed. (that's just my approach though...I've been through the ringer of divorce that I didn't want, and don't recommend .. but I would say that it is better to address the issues in earnest than to suffer and adulterate) I've gotten remarried and she's had 3 kids and I have 2... so there's 5 all together. There's 0 disparity between us on that issue at all. We going to have another child God willing, but I am 100% sure that post birth and after a couple of months the sex drive will be there.

I didn't read your church background experience... but starting from there would be the place to go. You can ask your Priest/Pastor (whom you've already developed a relationship with) and find more insight than us random folks on the internet.

 

[infowarrior1]

1. It's a major cultural trope - I do agree there is a slow down due to less sleep when a baby wakes up the parents frequently at night. Most women are not that interested in sex the first 6 months after birth. I do agree that a guy who is doing things to maintain attraction will have a hell of a lot less problems however. (Not really disagreeing per se, I just see the situation as nuanced.)

2. Attitude is a pretty vague term and I can see how you disagree with me, but I think we're interpreting the word in different ways. A guy quite clearly has the right attitude that I'm talking about if his woman is attracted to him and having lots of sex with him. And yes, when you're charismatic and attractive to a woman you get away with a lot more egregious behavior than if you're not. I never said otherwise.

This overview video by Athol Kay breaks it down
So zamfir112has mentioned that he's fixed Steps 1 and 2, (and likely step 5) but quite clearly not 3 and 4, since he's not getting laid.

No. 1 can be fixed with breastfeeding. It seems to make both the woman and the baby sleepy.

According to my discussions with the ladies on this forum and confirmed by searches online.

So it's a good solution to sleeplessness on this wife's part given to us by God on account of the baby crying at night.