Wife refusing sex and not enjoying it?

Ive has multiple akward conversation.dread gamed.lost weight and became fitter but No matter what she doesnt have interest in sex upp like before the marriage. She says she doesnt Enjoy it and she is happy without it.she says its painful IF i go Hard.feels nothing IF i go soft. even IF we have nothing for 3 months she doesnt care
She doesnt have a excuse as she is a house wife.no work or stress other than the child.. to the point where ive decided i Will cheat soon as ive had enough.. she is not even from the west.
Zamfir112, how is it going? Haven't seen a post from you since this one.
 

PhatEarf

Sparrow
So I'm going to post here even though I need to state up front that I'm divorced. When I started returning to Christ I began rejecting porn and m-bation and living a chaste life. This caused my wife at the time to realize she needed to fulfill my needs in order to regulate my moods. Not that I was moody, but women are very sensitive to the testosterone of their men. She thought she married a beta simp, and I started becoming a real man. Eventually she divorced me because she is a pagan witch that hates God and Christianity. What can I say, I was backslidden. Eat foods that will increase your testosterone. Lift heavy. Work hard. Your testosterone will go up. Your wife will realize she needs to compensate, or she will want to divorce you because she thought she married a beytuh simp.
 

NoFunInAus

Kingfisher
Ive has multiple akward conversation.dread gamed.lost weight and became fitter but No matter what she doesnt have interest in sex upp like before the marriage. She says she doesnt Enjoy it and she is happy without it.she says its painful IF i go Hard.feels nothing IF i go soft. even IF we have nothing for 3 months she doesnt care
She doesnt have a excuse as she is a house wife.no work or stress other than the child.. to the point where ive decided i Will cheat soon as ive had enough.. she is not even from the west.

She's cheating on you, sorry.
 

tomtud

Pelican
Sexless marriages are abundant. Each case is different. Some have spouses who work weird hours and with kids and other obligations (work, children) frankly, one can be exhausted. Treating each case uniquely, for the OP perhaps she is not attracted to you. Sexual chemistry is not there. You go hard, she says it hurts. You go slow, she can’t enjoy it. Of course, you want to please your wife but does she want to please you? I could never understand the men who give oral sex but their partner refuses to reciprocate. Quid pro quo my friend. Repeat that. QUID PRO QUO!!!!!! She does not make the effort to please you sexually, you do the same. Have sex of course, but you get off. If you like a certain position and she is indifferent go for it. Now, by no means do positions where she is uncomfortable, if she does not like it rough, you are out of luck. Respect her!

perhaps you need a counsellor? Perhaps a meaningful conversation About this. If you do nothing, nothing will change. You only have one life. Make the most of it. If sex is a deal breaker, you are better off divorcing, or in some rare cases, the couple has an open relationship. Now, divorce can be hard on the kids. You are in a tough spot. I say from my POV, if you get along with the wife and want to have a nuclear family without another man raising your kid your best bet is to have a thing on the side.
 
Sexless marriages are abundant. Each case is different. Some have spouses who work weird hours and with kids and other obligations (work, children) frankly, one can be exhausted. Treating each case uniquely, for the OP perhaps she is not attracted to you. Sexual chemistry is not there. You go hard, she says it hurts. You go slow, she can’t enjoy it. Of course, you want to please your wife but does she want to please you? I could never understand the men who give oral sex but their partner refuses to reciprocate. Quid pro quo my friend. Repeat that. QUID PRO QUO!!!!!! She does not make the effort to please you sexually, you do the same. Have sex of course, but you get off. If you like a certain position and she is indifferent go for it. Now, by no means do positions where she is uncomfortable, if she does not like it rough, you are out of luck. Respect her!

perhaps you need a counsellor? Perhaps a meaningful conversation About this. If you do nothing, nothing will change. You only have one life. Make the most of it. If sex is a deal breaker, you are better off divorcing, or in some rare cases, the couple has an open relationship. Now, divorce can be hard on the kids. You are in a tough spot. I say from my POV, if you get along with the wife and want to have a nuclear family without another man raising your kid your best bet is to have a thing on the side.
You do realize that this is a Christian forum and cheating on your wife and not staying celibate after your divorce is a mortal sin?
 
Update:No improvment.infact its gotten worse.ve already told her im done trying.ive tried almost everything.i Will move on.
Sex ends. It does. You can live without it. Its time to think about others now. EDIT: I edited because I think my comment was too harsh as it stands. I am sorry your needs are not been met and it sucks. All I can tell you is that whatever happens to us must be seen as from the Lord for our own good. For some reason one of the things God loves is when we bear up under affliction with patience and perseverance. I wish you all the best and will be praying for you my friend.
 
Sorry to hear that Zamfir112. I know the struggle and they usually live to regret it.

Once the magic is gone, it is indeed hard to get back. Our culture is rotten and the apathy some women have to this issue shows lack of respect for traditional roles. She may have come from elsewhere, but she is here now and our conditions breed laziness. Absent a very active faith, it is almost predictable.

Old RVF forum saying was: you are the vessel, she is the water. She should follow your form. But the vessel is so easily replaced by other influences - male 'provider" replaceability by the State, endless dopamine hits by social media, numerous men at the flip of a computer, always seeing the "bigger, better deal" on media.

My experience is they often fall prey to the perceived options. They can get miles of (romantic male interest), but they can't get commitment from the quality of man they desire. Then they try to come back. I hope she considers this reality. I know several middle-aged women that let a good man slip, only to regret it later. My own sister was about to divorce but stopped when her very attractive BFF divorced and started sharing her tales of woe and regrets. Maybe a stone cold confrontation is due: "you aren't happy here, you don't hold up your end of this deal, I am happy here, I like my house and my kids and my life: so if this is it, then you leave." That worked for one friend of mine. If you have kids, don't leave the house (abandonment). Don't touch her in any harmful way (assault) and don't obstruct her departure (imprisonment).

Best wishes.
 

zamfir112

Woodpecker
Sorry to hear that Zamfir112. I know the struggle and they usually live to regret it.

Once the magic is gone, it is indeed hard to get back. Our culture is rotten and the apathy some women have to this issue shows lack of respect for traditional roles. She may have come from elsewhere, but she is here now and our conditions breed laziness. Absent a very active faith, it is almost predictable.

Old RVF forum saying was: you are the vessel, she is the water. She should follow your form. But the vessel is so easily replaced by other influences - male 'provider" replaceability by the State, endless dopamine hits by social media, numerous men at the flip of a computer, always seeing the "bigger, better deal" on media.

My experience is they often fall prey to the perceived options. They can get miles of (romantic male interest), but they can't get commitment from the quality of man they desire. Then they try to come back. I hope she considers this reality. I know several middle-aged women that let a good man slip, only to regret it later. My own sister was about to divorce but stopped when her very attractive BFF divorced and started sharing her tales of woe and regrets. Maybe a stone cold confrontation is due: "you aren't happy here, you don't hold up your end of this deal, I am happy here, I like my house and my kids and my life: so if this is it, then you leave." That worked for one friend of mine. If you have kids, don't leave the house (abandonment). Don't touch her in any harmful way (assault) and don't obstruct her departure (imprisonment).

Best wishes.
She doesnt want to leave. And she doesnt want me to have sex with anyone else. Its a sexless prison marriage.But ive told her i Will look for someone else as a wife has to fullfil her husbands needs and vice versa. I removed My ring and told her to Keep it..imo its a wife obligation to attend to her husbands needs before anything. I Will still stay with My Child but sex Will have to be gotten somewhere else
 
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FrancisK

Kingfisher
Gold Member
Definitely an odd set of circumstances, doesn’t make much sense to be honest for many reasons. Other than to tell you to do something drastic I wish you luck brother....
 

TheMost

Robin
Vox Day is a Christian, but years ago even he said, in such a circumstance, the Bible allows polygamy. And he was correct. And this is exactly the situation why God allowed it, and why Jesus Christ never forbade it. Wifey won't do her part? You can take another. If husband won't give the sex, then the wife has the option to leave. But the husband has the option to take another wife, not divorce.

It is possible your wife is a malignant narcissist. The withdrawal of sex is an evil act, contrary to Scripture, which commands man and wife not to deprive each other of the comfort of their bodies. If you have never looked much into the phenomenon of narcissism, I recommend this article and the comment section after it. https://www.anonymousconservative.c...ith-narcissists-in-family-and-social-circles/

If polygamy was a mortal sin, the pope wouldn't have allowed it in Bavaria 400 years ago in the aftermath of the 30 years war. But he knew the Bible, despite church policy that creates a frustrating situation for men and women. Under monogamy, half of women can't find a husband.
 

zamfir112

Woodpecker
Vox Day is a Christian, but years ago even he said, in such a circumstance, the Bible allows polygamy. And he was correct. And this is exactly the situation why God allowed it, and why Jesus Christ never forbade it. Wifey won't do her part? You can take another. If husband won't give the sex, then the wife has the option to leave. But the husband has the option to take another wife, not divorce.

It is possible your wife is a malignant narcissist. The withdrawal of sex is an evil act, contrary to Scripture, which commands man and wife not to deprive each other of the comfort of their bodies. If you have never looked much into the phenomenon of narcissism, I recommend this article and the comment section after it. https://www.anonymousconservative.c...ith-narcissists-in-family-and-social-circles/

If polygamy was a mortal sin, the pope wouldn't have allowed it in Bavaria 400 years ago in the aftermath of the 30 years war. But he knew the Bible, despite church policy that creates a frustrating situation for men and women. Under monogamy, half of women can't find a husband.
I cant believe someone would be so selfish to throw away a Long term marriage and make the Child grow Up without the father just to boost their ego.
But like you Said polygamy sometimes is essential
 
There is a good, proven, based, explanation of how things work, and what to do when you need to fix a cold bedroom.
The writer is a successful, long-life Christian counselor with extensive experience.
I followed his advice in my marriage many times (when I'm not lazy) and it worked every time.

 

ScannerLIV

Woodpecker
There is a good, proven, based, explanation of how things work, and what to do when you need to fix a cold bedroom.
The writer is a successful, long-life Christian counselor with extensive experience.
I followed his advice in my marriage many times (when I'm not lazy) and it worked every time.


From the article: "They plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date."

16 hours of dates a week in marriage? Biden's voice: Come on, man!

Far more effective to simply show bits of playful affection throughout the day/week. Be humorously cocky. I am sure I could achieve the same results in 2/3rd less of that 16 hours. I am naturally playful that way.

But then, I haven't been married. Still, 16 hours a week? Forget that.
 
She doesnt want to leave. And she doesnt want me to have sex with anyone else. Its a sexless prison marriage.But ive told her i Will look for someone else as a wife has to fullfil her husbands needs and vice versa. I removed My ring and told her to Keep it..imo its a wife obligation to attend to her husbands needs before anything. I Will still stay with My Child but sex Will have to be gotten somewhere else
I'm a divorced middle aged guy that lived that life of yours for many bad years. Like you, I went through the red pill metamorphosis - gave up beta/nice guy/pleading/negotiation game, got in shape, dressed better, ran dread, ran push/pull, etc. I'd get a few months of starfish sex, then little to nothing. At one point she said "don't you think relationships should move past the physical stage."

That should have been the point I told her to Get the .. Out. I wish I had been tough and firm - she must leave and I was keeping the kids (she had actually threatened to leave the kids and me previously). Yeah - big red flag. I wish I had told her to get out (and maybe even shipped her stuff home to momma or her idiot BFF). If she didn't want to be with me, including physically, then so be it. Be gone. "If you withhold from me again, then someday your stuff will be on the front lawn and the locks changed." The practicalities aren't easy, but I wish I would have held a harder line in this way.

I did a lot of stuff wrong in the marriage - tactically, eventually morally, etc. You get no judgement from me. God's judgement and mercy are enough.

She may be trying to frustrate you enough that you initiate divorce - then she can play victim. Who knows. Likewise, before you step out, you best check local laws on divorce and infidelity. "No fault" and ownership/split of assets varies by state. In some states, if you step out then she gains big leverage at divorce settlement.

Please don't discount the odds of her having an affair. My wife had at least one affair while she was withholding from me, so I am reluctant to buy the "I'm not interested in sex" line much. I've known 65 y/o women that admit they are horny all the time. And it isn't rare. I doubt she's gone as dry as she claims to you. Maybe she's missing an old flame or a new fling. I just do not trust women that hold back on their man. And it bleeds into infidelity trust as well.

PS - Some good commentary re: narcissists above. By keeping you thirsty, they retain power. Rule 1 of relationship therapists: The person saying "No" has all the power. Cruel, but true. The "Honor Trap" (using a person's honor against their own self interest) is a cruel thing to do to a decent man.
 

TheMost

Robin
There is a good, proven, based, explanation of how things work, and what to do when you need to fix a cold bedroom.
The writer is a successful, long-life Christian counselor with extensive experience.
I followed his advice in my marriage many times (when I'm not lazy) and it worked every time.

That link looks like something that can work... if the woman isn't a narcissist. Technology has been amplifying women's natural narcissism out of all bounds, so narcissism is more common than you might think. If the woman is a narcissist, doing what is in that link will turn into a years long game of her finding every excuse in the book to be "triggered" or "unhappy" and make you jump through hoops as long as you'll put up with it. So, to the person that posted it, good link, but only if you know about narcissism and how to detect it.
One way to recognize a narcissist; you learn a game technique and it works... the first time. Everything that originally turned them on, they prevent you from doing. They know what turns them on, and they know you know it, and they won't let you turn them on.
 
No wonder so many marriages are in trouble when most people are trying to change their spouse's behavior, only by demanding rights, complaining, threatening, or withdrawal.

But women are driven mostly by emotions. You can't reason with them. (mostly)
If her emotions are low, he feels low, and then she acts low too.
Men can understand, that they need to put gas into the car in order to run, but the same men don't understand, that they need to fulfill women's emotional tank too.
Just put some energy and fun into her emotional state. By the way, she is yours now, your asset, then maintain her well.
Simply give her something to be happy.

I'm not saying that man has to be an obedient servile beta fool, but you have to find a common agreement, where both of you would be satisfied.
Marriage is a deal. A compromise. Both sides need to have something.

Self-pity doesn't bring you anything. We can complain about how women are horrible to the end of the world, but it changes nothing.
They are as they are, accept that fact.

In heaven, there won't be these troubles, but for now... keep fighting. (and make deals with family)
 
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